TUCSON, AZ – The lack of an iPad gift this year has proved to local seven-year-old Gracie Martinez that Jesus doesn’t exist and that there is no God.
One of five siblings, Gracie Martinez opened each of her Christmas presents expecting an iPad but at the end of the day was left with only three new shirts, a colored pencil set, a toy pony and a Justin Bieber CD.
“I prayed to Jesus every night for a year, asking him to bring me an iPad for Christmas and you know what? He didn’t make it happen,” said Gracie. “I know a lot of people are going to tell me that I should have been asking Santa for the iPad, but I know who’s really in charge. Jesus is like Santa’s boss. Santa’s the one that does all the work while Jesus sits on his butt watching ‘Phineas and Ferb.’ Anyway, I prayed to Jesus and he gave me a Justin Bieber CD. I don’t even like (Bieber). That means that Jesus doesn’t exist. If he did, I would be playing Angry Birds right now.”
Martinez’ parents, Armando and Juliette Martinez, admit that Gracie was very good over the course of the last year and if they had the funds, they would have given her an iPad.
“We totally would have given her an iPad, but… have you seen this economy?” said Juliette Martinez. “I’m working for just over minimum wage and there’s a good chance that (Armando) will get laid off in the near future. I know that when we do have more stable income, (an iPad) will be the first thing we’ll get, but it’s just not possible right now. Well, that won’t be the first thing we’ll get. The first thing will be a new TV. One that’s at least 47 inches. Right now we have a 42 inch and it’s just way too small. Then I think we’ll get a new Playstation. Then after that, the first thing we’ll get is the iPad. We might also pay off a credit card or too but definitely not until we get the TV.”
Gracie says she does not blame her parents for the lack of an iPad.
“I know that my parents are in on the whole thing, but this isn’t their fault,” said Gracie. “It’s not their fault that Jesus and God don’t exist. ‘If you want something bad enough, Jesus will provide it.’ That’s what I’ve been told since I could talk. That’s what they say at church. Now I don’t have to worry about that because I know that Jesus doesn’t exist and if he did exist…well, then he is a big jerk that doesn’t give people what they want. Now I’m going to be the only person in my whole school that doesn’t have an iPad. Now I’m not going to be popular and I will most likely turn to drugs. If you are out there and didn’t give me an iPad then I hope you’re happy with that Jesus. You’re making me take drugs.”
Although he understands her disappointment, Gracie’s father is not happy with her new-found atheism.
“I’m not happy about (Gracie) saying that our lord Jesus and God don’t exist just because she didn’t get an iPad for Christmas,” said Armando Martinez. “When I was her age I really wanted a Sega Genesis. I prayed to Jesus every single day, several times a day for a Sega Genesis and you know what? At the end of that year, at Christmas I got… I got a… shit, I got a stack of comic books. I didn’t even like comic books. Maybe Gracie is right. Maybe God doesn’t exist.”
Despite the fact that her parents say that Martinez was good all year, there are many who think that the reason there was no iPad delivered was because Martinez is a bad girl.
“First of all, she got two D’s in school. Kids who get D’s don’t deserve to get big fancy gifts like an iPad,” said one person related to the situation that wished to remain anonymous. “Then there’s the fact that she set my cat on fire. She told me that she didn’t do it but I know she did. I left her alone in my dinning room, with my cat and the next thing I know, my cat is streaking through the kitchen fully ablaze. How else did the fire get started? When I asked her if she had done it she said ‘No Grandma, Your cat is sitting right here. It’s not on fire.’ She’s a lying little bitch!”
Despite what people say, Gracie thinks that she deserved an iPad.
“Everyone in the entire world has an iPad. I don’t. How is that fair?” said Gracie. “If Jesus was real, I would be updating my Facebook page right now on my iPad. Does it look like I’m updating my Facebook page on my brand new iPad? No. That means that Jesus is a little bitch that doesn’t exist. I guess I’ll just have to sell all of my brother’s comic books so that I can buy one myself.”
At press time Jesus was unavailable for comment.