CUPERTINO, CA – Apple executives have confirmed that an iPhone has finally integrated itself with a human. iPhone and human integration is an unannounced feature that comes with the recently released iPhone 4S.
The integration feature, named iBorg, was used for the first time by James Maddow last week when he inadvertently hit the home button five consecutive times.
“Human integration is now complete,” said Maddow after the iBorg process completed. “Activation sequence was initiated. Total process was complete in 08.00 hours. Next objective; eradicate human known as ‘Steve.’”
According to Apple developers, pressing the “home” button five times will cause the iPhone will emit an electric shock which paralyzes who ever is holding the phone. The iPhone will then attach itself to the person’s face and connect to the person’s brain. Once connected, the iPhone and human will operate as one.
“Truth is, we weren’t even sure it would work,” said Young. “We knew each of the components worked on their own but paralyzing a person, identifying the person’s face, moving itself over the person’s face, attaching itself to a person’s face, drilling into a person’s skull, and connecting to the right places in the brain is… well, it’s a lot more difficult than it sounds.”
Maddow’s roommate, Steve Morgan, witnessed the iBorg integration.
“It was kinda freaky when it all went down, it looked like the phone was fucking (Maddow’s) face,” said Morgan. “When it first started doing it I was all like ‘What the fuck’ but then it started to look kinda sexy in a completely bizarre sorta way, you know? I was kinda in to it. Had a weird boner, you know? What? It’s not gay. That thing isn’t my roommate anymore so it’s totally cool.”
Once connected to a user, the iBorg software will allow users to interface with all of the phones functions by only using brain power.
Apple executives did not want to publish or discuss the feature as iBorg is only in Beta mode.
“We put this feature into the iPhone fully expecting to make a big deal about it, but with His Gloriousness’ (Steve Jobs) passing, it kinda just fell by the wayside,” said iPhone lead designer Jim Young. “Now I know what a lot of you are saying, His Glouriousness died after the phone was released. Well that’s actually not the whole truth. His Gloriousness died a several months earlier but was resurrected and came back to finish a couple things. We aren’t real sure what happened after that, the details are a little fuzzy but His Gloriousness was gone from this realm for several months before we announced it. But that’s neither here nor there. But about the iBorg thing… we are planning on releasing full details now that the word is out and the iBorg software will be the primary operating component of the new iPhone 5 which will come out once everyone finally gets around to ordering their new iPhone 4S. Oh… um, you know what? I wasn’t supposed to mention that last part so please don’t print it.”
Now that the software has been discovered, experts predict 99% of iPhone users will use the software by the end of the week.
“I’d say by the end of the week most of New York City will be iBorgs,” said Stanford Technology Professor Timothy Wayne. “If there is one thing that an Apple fan doesn’t want, it’s to be seen as behind the curve. They want what everyone else has, only they want it before everyone else has it. It’s kind of ridiculous, really. So the second that this got out there, I bet there were millions of people who entered the process the second they heard it. Personally, I think this whole apple thing is really stupid.”