CINCINNATI, OH – The Cincinnati Bengals’ first victory of the 2000-2001 NFL season also marked a bigger occasion. With the win, Jesus Christ became the world’s all time winningest deity. Until the final whistle of the game, Christ had been tied with the Greek God Zeus for most career sporting event wins.
Although not actually competing in any of the wins attributed to him, Christ played a strong role in each, participating vicariously through the players. Post game interviews often quote individual players and teams giving thanks for the win. During the Bengals’ defeat of the Denver Broncos, 3 touchdowns were attributed to Christ as well as the final score.
The previous record for career wins held by Zeus totaled 12,003,431 and had held for 1726 years after Zeus’ retirement in 274 BC.
“Honestly, I have to admit that I’ve had my eye one the record for a while now. But now that I have it, I’m just glad it’s over. Sure it is a lot of pressure but it makes me feel proud, like I have really accomplished something. It’s been hard work getting here and I’m honored to be at this level with the likes of Zeus,” Christ said. “Man when I was a kid I remember watching Zeus win event after event. I just can’t believe I’m standing here after betting his record. Can I just say wow?”
This is just the latest record for Christ. He currently holds the records for most battles won in war, most number of homes sparred from hurricanes, most bicycles given for Christmas and most times called out for during orgasms both alone and with a partner.
While Christ’s Camp celebrated their recent victory, Zeus said that the books are far from being finished. In addition to the announcement that he will be coming out of retirement, Zeus laid out his plan for the upcoming year.
“(Jesus) may have the record for now, but I got big plans for next year. I will not only have the entire Stanley Cup playoffs but also 13 boxing title fights, 47 NASCAR races, 49 NBA games and 3 WWF pay per views, and those are only the high spots. Jesus, he ain’t got shit. You hear me, he ain’t got shit,” Zeus said.
With his record safe for a while, Jesus plans to take some time off and take a much needed vacation.
“I only got two more events this year, and they’re both golf, and they’re not gonna take much effort. With the rest of the year split up between Buddha, Confucius and Shiva, Zeus can’t touch me till next year. So I think I’m gonna take some time off and get me some action of a different kind. So peace, I’m out,” Christ said.