DALLAS, TX – Bullies across the nation have banded together to call for an end to the call for the end of bullying.
“When the fuck did ‘bully’ become a bad word?” said self-proclaimed bully Sebastian (Sea-Bass) Colmeters. “This whole anti-bullying thing was probably started by some gay nerd. Bullies have been around since the beginning of time. You think Jesus didn’t push some nerds around? He did. How do you think he got those twelve dudes to follow him around? Yeah, he was tough as fuck. People like to hang out with dudes that are tough. If Jesus was a pussy bitch he wouldn’t have 12 bros. That’s why Jesus is my bullying hero.”
As bullying has become a national issue with increased media attention, bullies say they have found themselves targets of bullying themselves.
“There was a time when I could walk down the halls of my school and people would advert their eyes,” said bully Walt Quinn. “I owned this bitch. No one said shit to me and if I wanted something all I had to do was threaten some pussy and I would have it. But now, people are starting to get in my face. People are telling me they aren’t afraid of me anymore and they understand what I’m going through and some other stupid shit like that. A couple people even got together and started calling me names and threating me! When I told my dad that people were starting to not be afraid of me anymore he called me queer and punched me until I gave him my lunch money.”
As part of their unified statement, bullies predict that further provocation will result in increased name calling and tittie-twisters.
“We, the United Nations of Bullying, vow to keep on track to continue providing a valuable service,” the statement read. “We vow to give wedgies to nerds for being stupid and gay. We vow to take lunch money from fat kids because they are fat and they shouldn’t be so stupid and fat. We vow to stay at the top of the pecking order because the world needs that. The world needs the tough kids to push the weaker kids to be stronger and to not be such stupid pussy bitches. Bullies need to exist in order for others to flourish. We will not change.”
Bullies maintain that they are, in fact, providing a very valuable service to society as a whole and that without bullying, there would be no Bill Gates, Benjamin Franklin or Kanye West.
“Can you imagine what the world would be like if there were no bullies?” Colmeters said. “It would be chaos. If there was no one to bully Bill Gates, then he would have never gotten into computers. Bullies made Bill Gates want to become something better. Bullies drove Bill gates to do things that he never would have done. Do you think (Gates) would have started Microsoft if he weren’t hiding in his parent’s garage from a bully? No. He probably would have been out getting laid like all the other non-nerds.”
Although there is currently a backlash against bullies, several prominent sociologists suggest that things may change in the near future.
“You see this chart? This is a chart of ‘causes’ over the last 20 years,” said Ryan Rudd, professor of Sociology at Harvard University. “You see how each of these lines has a spike and then fades away back to zero after 12 months? Each of those is a ‘cause’ that America has gotten all worked up about. You see this one? This one is Darfur. People got all worked up about it for a year or so and then got bored and moved on. You think the issues in Darfur have been resolved? Fuck no! But Americans don’t care anymore. It’s part of our cultural identity. We, Americans, are only capable of giving a shit about something for 10 to 12 months. After that we totally lose interest and abandon it. We are on month eight of this bullying thing. So… heads up to the nerds out there because everything is gonna go back that way it was in a couple months.”
Bully historians agree that it will be difficult to change any culture and remove bullying as bullying has a rich history dating back to the earliest human ancestors.
“Bullies have always existed. They will always exist. There simply is no way to get rid of them,” said Nate Jerde, author of Bullies: The Truth Behind the Fist. “Every world leader is a bully. That’s how they got to be there. Everyone in the military is a bully. That’s what drives them. Everyone that has ever made fun of someone else is a bully. Life is a bully. Life is hard. If you just focus on stopping bullying you aren’t teaching people how to deal with it. Sure it sucks but bullying isn’t going anywhere. If we got rid of bullying it would mean World Peace and that’s just a dream.”