TULSA, OK – In preparation for the 2016 Olympic Games, local carpenter Walt Brerger has declared that he will be moving to Greenland in order to complete for the country in the beach volleyball event.
“I figured the only way I could get to the summer Olympics was to go to a country that didn’t have summer and do a sport there that no one else in the country would know how to do. That way I’m sure to be the best at it in the entire country and I can then go to the Olympics,” said Brerger. “I picked beach volleyball because I played beach volleyball a little bit when I was in high school. It wasn’t that hard.”
In addition to previous beach volleyball experience, Brerger said he chose the event because it was the only one he could probably do.
“I could do just about any of the events but I don’t like running and gymnastics is gay,” said Brerger. “And swimming? Those guys are freaks so I don’t think I could do that and they probably wouldn’t let me wear floaties. I also thought about the shooting events but they won’t let you drink while you shoot so I probably wouldn’t be able to do that one either. So beach volleyball is basically it for me.”
Brerger said he chose to move to Greenland because it’s “cold and probably doesn’t have any beaches.”
“I looked at a map and Greenland was there and I remember someone telling me once that they should have called Greenland Iceland because it’s covered in ice,” said Brerger. “And I looked Greenland up on the internets and saw that there is no beach volleyball team from Greenland so it should be easy to be the best. I know it takes one other person for a beach volleyball team so I’m trying to convince my buddy D.J. (Ferguson) to go with me but he’s being a dick at the moment so I don’t know. Worst case scenario I’ll just find some dude there in Greenland to play with me.”
While many of Brerger’s friends and family are supportive of his plan, some have their doubts that it will work.
“I think it’s a really stupid idea,” said Ferguson. “He got the idea one night when we were all sitting around drinking. Billy (McGreggor) was the one that actually came up with it first, and (Brerger) just kind of ran with it. In theory, it’s a good plan, but the thing that he hasn’t thought about is that he doesn’t know the rules of the game. Yes, we played a lot that one summer that we went to Cabo, but that’s about the extent of it. I wont even get into the fact that he’s overweight and wasn’t very good in the first place. Everyone there knew that I was the real player out there. I’m just not stupid enough to pack up and move to Greenland.”
The Greenland government has yet to comment on Brerger’s plan to represent the country in the 2016 Olympic games but did release a statement welcoming Brerger to the country.
“We welcome Mr. Berger to the great country of Greenland and hope that his residency here will be enjoyable,” stated a press release from the Greenland Prime Minister’s office. “We’d also like to gather the entire country together, next Thursday to welcome Mr. Berger. We’ll meet at Hans’ house. There will be cake and punch for all 30 of us.”
The 2016 Olympic games will be held in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.