TAMPA, FL – Republican Presidential Nominee Mitt Romney said Thursday that the real reason he has not released his past tax information is because his tax records contain the Anti-Life Equation.
“Believe me, I want to release the information, but if I were to do so, that would pretty much mean the end of life as we know it,” Romney said. “I don’t know how it got in there but my tax records include the Anti-Life equation and if I release my taxes, anyone who sees them will be dead within seconds.”
Although he didn’t provide much detail, Romney said he hasn’t seen the Anti-Life equation but he is “100% sure” that it can be found in his tax records.
“Some of you are probably wondering how I can know that the Anti-Life Equation is in my taxes and still be alive? Well, I haven’t seen the equation myself but I just know. I had two different accountants take a look at my taxes and now both of those accountants are dead. Their very life force was sucked out of them and for hours after my tax records glowed with this weird green, pulsating glow. The Anti-Life Equation in my taxes pulled my accountants life force out of their bodies and they were left as dried up husks that looked like something out of one of those Mummy movies. I’d feel really bad for my accountant’s families but my church baptized my accountants after they died so everything is good and right now.”
According to ancient scrolls, the Anti-Life Equation is a powerful equation that will kill most that see it and will grant a “chosen one” the ability to control life and death.
“(The Anti-Life Equation) really is the end of all life as we know it. It’s not something that you want to mess around with,” said Anti-Life Equation expert Ming Quinn. “I’ve studied the equation for most of my adult life and I know that even if you were to read it, it would do deadly harm. Look at the poor saps that did (Romney’s) taxes? Well, I guess you can’t actually look at them because no one has released pictures or names of the accountants but from what Romney and a couple of his campaign people have said they looked gross. Those accountants just looked over the info and that was enough to kill them. Do you want that to happen to you? Imagine if they published that online or in a newspaper. Everyone in the entire world could die. And if there was someone strong enough to master the equation? I don’t even want to go there.”
Romney has been under pressure from both Republicans and Democrats to release his past tax records. The pressure has forced Romney to come up with a reason as to why we will not release the records.
“I’ve faced a lot of heat over the past few months and no matter what I tried to say, people didn’t believe me,” Romney said. “Granted, there was a good reason that people not believe me, but still, it became really hard to come up with excuses. So I decided to just come clean and tell the truth and stop trying to hide this terrible thing. But now that I’ve come clean, it feels really good. Almost as good as knowing that when I die I will get my own planet because that is an actual thing we Mormons believe.”
While Romney has given several different reasons for not releasing his tax records, his campaign chair, John Sununu, said the presence Anti-Life Equation is the real, honest to god, reason for withholding the records.
“A lot of people think that this is just another stall tactic, but I can assure that this is the real deal,” Sununu said. “I’ve seen the aftermath of what happened, and it’s not something that should ever happen to anyone ever again. Well, I didn’t actually see it because I wasn’t there and there are no photos but I believe the people that told me what happened and what the scene looked like.”
Democrats remain skeptical of Romney’s claim and are continuing to pressure the candidate to release his tax records regardless if the records contain the Anti-Life equation.
“This is nothing but one big stall,” said Senator Chris Coons (D) of Delaware. “There is no such thing as the Anti-Life Equation. (Romney) is just trying to play on the fears of the god fearing public. I’m surprised he didn’t just come out and say that he can’t release his taxes because if he did god would be mad and the people of this country don’t want to make god mad.”
Romney’s press secretary said that the candidate will not, under any circumstances, release his tax records, and with them the Anti-Life Equation out of fear that the equation may fall in to the wrong hands.
“(Romney) won’t and can’t release his taxes knowing they could cause harm because he is an American who loves Jesus and America and he isn’t a liar who will do anything for a buck and then hide it in an off-shore bank account so he doesn’t have to pay taxes on it,” said Romeny’s Press Secretary, Rich Whiteman. “Also, Barak Obama is a Muslim who is secretly trying to destroy America and loves the devil.”