LOUISVILLE, KY – A Public Relations spokesman for KFC confirmed rumors that company scientists are working to genetically engineer an all-skin chicken for the fast food chain.
“Yes, the rumors are true. KFC has been working with some of the world’s top geneticists over the last seven years in an effort to develop a chicken that is all skin,” said Laura Freeman, Public Relations Specialist for KFC. “Why are we doing this, you may ask? Why not? Knowing that the skin of a chicken is delicious – especially coated in our 11 special herbs and seasonings – why would we as a company not want to deliver our customers a wonderful dining experience?”
The Chiskin, as scientists have begun calling the all-skin chicken, was developed due to a demand from customers that more crispy chicken skin be included with meals.
“When one of our customers sits down to a KFC meal, the first thing they go for is the skin,” said Freeman. “Once you get past the skin the rest of the meal, while still delicious, is somewhat of a letdown. With a Chiskin meal the whole chicken will be our delicious crispy chicken skin.”
KFC has been known to push genetic boundaries in their product development. In 2008 the company developed a larger than normal chicken leg that was sold under the name “Mega Leg.”
“The MegaLeg was our first foray into the whole genetic ‘playing’ game,” said KFC Genetic Engineer Kevin Bingham. “Even though it didn’t really get past the testing phase, it was a huge jump in fast food research. Before we tried to do that, the only thing like this that had ever been tried was when Arby’s made cows have Arby’s sauce instead of blood. That was revolutionary. When they did that, we realized all of the things that we could do. That’s why we are here today with a chicken made entirely out of skin.”
Animal rights activist groups have yet to comment on KFC’s plans but the company does not see an issue as the new Chiskin “isn’t technically an animal.”
“To call the Chiskin an animal is really a technicality,” Bingham said. “Yes, it is ‘alive’ in the sense that it is growing. Yes it has a ‘brain’ but that brain only serves to regulate organs and feed the butter to the body. Oh yeah, the Chiskin has butter for blood. It really makes the Chiskin taste that much tastier. We tried normal blood, but that gave the ‘meat’ a gamey taste, you know, like normal chicken. No one wants skin that tastes like chicken. They want skin that tastes like skin. So that’s what we’re giving them. The muscles are skin, the bones are skin. Even the organs are made out of skin. The whole thing is just layers and layers of skin. Trust me, Chiskin liver is going to replace caviar as the food of the rich, it’s that fucking good.”
Nutritionists have also remained relatively silent on the new Chiskin.
“Why bother saying anything?” said Nutritionist Jaimi Wu. “People are going to eat that terrible shit no matter how bad it is for them. So you know what? Fuck ‘em. Fuck everyone that eats that shit. And by ‘everyone’ I mean the entire Mid-West.”
While several parts of the country are eagerly awaiting the release of KFC’s Chiskin, some healthier cities are already planning on banning the new product.
“There is no way this product will ever be sold in New York City,” said Mayor Michael Bloomberg. “This whole thing just isn’t right on any level. I’m not even talking about the ethical issues here. I’m speaking purely from a medical stance. This is skin, which isn’t good for you in the first place, basted in butter then deep fried. Yes, it sounds absolutely delicious, but it makes my heart hurt just thinking about it. If I were to allow this product into my city, I should be arrested and charged with all the deaths that this shit will cause.”
Aside from New York City, Chiskin will be out in most of the US beginning in October.