WASHINGTON, DC – Republicans in Congress are scrambling to pass a new law before the upcoming presidential election that will allow dead people to vote.
If passed, the new voting law will allow a church representative of the dead to cast a vote on their behalf.
“We firmly believe that all people should vote, even people that are no longer with us. Of course I’m talking about dead people,” said Cory Gardner, Republican from Colorado. “This is a very important election and we need to make sure every American, even those that are dead, has a vote. And since church leaders are all honest and know people better than anyone, it only makes sense that they act as proxy voters since the dead can’t rise up and vote in person. Right? I mean, they can’t rise up, right?”
While Republicans say that giving the dead the right to vote is keeping true to both the constitution and the principals of the founding fathers, many political analysts think that Republicans are trying to ensure a victory for their candidate.
“Why dead people? Think about it. The Mormons have been baptizing dead people for years,” said Sofia Vargas, political analyst for CNN. “And with the Mormon loyalty, that’s a shit-ton of people that will vote for Mitt Romney. The GOP has been trying to stop young people and minorities from voting for similar purposes. This is just another way to make sure Romney wins.”
To date, Mormons have baptized more than five billion dead people in the United States.
“If the dead people that have been baptized Mormon don’t vote for a Mormon then they will go straight to hell. That’s in our church’s doctrine. It’s what we all believe,” said Delmon Young, a Mormon Bishop in Salt Lake City. “We just wrote that into the bylaws last week, but it still holds true. We said it, there for it’s true. You can’t deny us our rights! And as soon as (Romney) is president, we’ll take over the world! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Democrats are trying to block the Republican efforts to pass the new voting laws and maintain that there is no way to know who the dead will vote for in an election.
“I don’t have a problem letting dead people vote, per se. My issue is purely that we don’t know who the dead will vote for,” said Nancy Pelosi, Democrat from California. “A church official isn’t the right person. Especially if the Mormons are going around baptizing dead people. If there was a way that we could guarantee a fair vote, and by that I mean them voting for Obama, we would totally be in favor of this. But seeing as (Republicans) are bringing this up, we’re expecting this to help the opposing side.”
Despite the efforts of the Democrats, the Republicans in the House of Representatives think they will be able to pass the law before the election in November.
“Once we get this through the house, which will be a piece of cake, we have a couple different options to get it through the Senate,” said Gardner. “We can either tack it on to some liberal dream legislation, like solar power or something or worst case scenario we can use our black files. Those are the files we have on every single Senate Democrat that contain their deepest darkest secrets. So yeah, we aren’t worried a bit.”
Many voters are pleased with the proposed legislation and hope it will make this a truly encompassing election.
“Think about it. Republican or Democrat, everyone out there can see just how badly Obama has screwed up this country,” said Kansas Republican Buck Buckley. “I mean look at the… I mean, he’s done… Well, that’s not important. Obamacare! He invented Obamacare and rammed it down our throats! I guarantee that every dead person out there would hate him for that. So it’s only natural that the dead be allowed to vote against that horrible, horrible law.”