Anti-iPhone Sentiment Prematurely Ends Relationship

Rebecca Staller's opinion of iPhone users prematurely ended her relationship with Eddie Freirs.
Rebecca Staller's opinion of iPhone users prematurely ended her relationship with Eddie Freirs.
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SAN FRANCISCO, CA – The budding romantic relationship between Eddie Freirs and Rebecca Staller ended abruptly last week after Staller revealed her feelings about the iPhone.

While walking back to Freirs’ apartment after dinner, Staller said that she gets annoyed by “stupid hipsters and their stupid iPhones” at which point Freirs pulled his iPhone out of his pocket.

“After (Staller) started talking shit – for no reason – about iPhones and people who have iPhones I pulled mine out of my pocket to show her and she got real quiet, real quick,” said Freirs. “I have no idea what the hell her problem is but anyone with that much disdain for a phone is probably a bitch. iPhones are great and more than just hipsters have them. Sure, I’m kind of a hipster and I have one but I’m not a douche bag hipster, you know? Whatever. She’s weird. It is, after all, just a phone. It’s a shame though, she was hot and had rockin’ tits.”

Despite the impact to her relationship with Freirs, Staller maintains that people with iPhones are “hipster douche bags at best and total pretentious assholes at worst.”

“All of these people just think that everything Apple makes is the be all and end all of technology,” Staller said. “Hurry everyone run out and buy a new iPad or iPad mini and get the same thing! Show Apple they don’t need to innovate…right? It makes me sick. I mean, they are the exact same thing! Oh look, the iPad mini is smaller. Oh look the iPhone 5 has a better resolution and a bigger screen. Big deal. Why don’t you hold off your big announcement till you have something that’s actually new? All the stupid hipsters rush out and buy these stupid crappy phones and then hang out at coffee shops with their Macbook Airs or whatever they are called. They just sit there pretending to be important and pretend to be working on books or whatever. Whatever! It’s a stupid phone! God! Why do (iPhone users) have to be such close minded dicks? ”

According to Staller, she can’t recall where her anti-iPhone feelings come from nor does she know why those feelings are so strong.

“I don’t know, you know?” said Staller. “Everyone I know with one is kinda just, eh, and the stupid things just aren’t that neat. Any phone can do the same shit but all the hipster douche bags freak the fuck out every time Apple does anything so it’s all just annoying and stupid. The IT guy at my office even said that the phones are dumb and, like, not secure and that they are crappy phones. I think people that fall in to that whole Apple brainwash are just so stupid.”

Since the iPhone conversation neither Staller nor Freirs has attempted to contact the other.

“Yeah, I thought about calling her because I really want to see her tits, but that only lasted about two seconds,” Freirs said. “As soon as I pulled my phone out to dial, the whole thing came rushing back to me. Then I noticed that Apu had finished his seven day Kwick-E-Mart shift in ‘Simpsons Tapped Out’ so I kind of forgot about (Staller’s) tits. So yeah, I think that I can go out there and find an equally hot chick with equally fantastic tits who also has an iPhone. And ‘Tapped Out,’ because I need more friends on that game.”

Freirs says that he will be more vigilant next time he begins a relationship and look for signs that the woman may have anti-iPhone feelings.

“Oh, I’ll check her facebook page right away,” said Freirs. “If I would have done that with (Staller) I would have seen her posts talking shit about the new iPhone 5 and iPad mini. She’s a straight up hater. She probably has one of those Windows tablets… like my Dad has.”


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