HOLLYWOOD, CA – The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is planning considerable changes to its Academy Awards show format next year in an effort to both update the awards to include modern tastes and to appeal to a larger audience.
“You know, we’ve been pretty stagnant for a while now, so much so that only old people watch the show,” said Academy Awards show producer William Feinstein. “These days people just read tweets from bitter old comedians about it rather than watching it for themselves. Sure it might be on, but people are too busy doing beer bongs or lines of coke to really pay attention. But with these new changes, we’re really hoping to grab the audience’s attention again. Especially those people that are blitzed out of their gourds on coke, pcp or any other drug that they’re abusing that night. Bath salts, right? That’s the new one?”
In order to appeal to a wider range of ages, next year’s awards show will feature bright, flashing colors, people dancing to electronic music on stage, and less of a focus on old people.
“When I turn on TV shows that are aimed at kids everything is loud and bright and obnoxious in every way,” said Academy Awards Art Director, Glenda Steinerburg. “I guess that’s what kids respond to these days. So if we are going to try to attract kids we are going to need to be loud and obnoxious and stupid and colorful. Today, kids have attention spans that can only be measured in nanoseconds. What with their Dan Fogelberg records and their Diet Tab soda, kids today need enormous amounts of stimulations just to focus for a second. That’s what we’re trying to do here with these changes.”
According to the show’s producers, refocusing on younger, more attractive actors and actresses will be the most difficult part of the revamp.
“One thing we know kids don’t respond to is old people,” said Feinstein. “Our research shows us that kids think old people are ‘gross’ and ‘out of touch’ and ‘definitely not sick.’ But what are we supposed to do? Not show the actors that are nominated for an award that aren’t sexy? Or just nominate people that are sexy? Shit, I don’t know. But I guess it’s something we are going to have to figure out relatively soon. I mean one option is to hire actors to portray the older actors during the show, but what do you do for the really ugly people? That’s the pickle we’re in.”
In addition to the image overhaul, new categories will also be added while others will be retired or revamped.
“The simple truth is that no one under the age of 18 watches the Oscars,” said president of the Academy, Hawk Koch. “And people under 18 are driving a lot of the movie business right now. Look at Twilight for god’s sake. Those movies are terrible, and they would never be up for an Oscar and yet they rake in billions of dollars. So now we have an award for just that sort of thing – Best Adaptation of a Book About Vampires, Werewolves, Witches or Hunger Games. And that’s just the beginning. We’ve got plans on top of plans. Shit that is so deep it won’t even see the light of day for a few more years, but when they hit, they’re going to revolutionize the world of awards shows.”
The proposed changes have proved to be unpopular with the old people who still watch the broadcast.
“I don’t know. I mean I watch the awards shows and it seems to me that these changes are desperate gasps for people’s attention that won’t appreciate the Oscars anway,” said Angie Sweeden, 42, of Des Moines, Iowa. “I watch every award show with my cats Mr. Twiggers and Captain Artimis Buckminster, III. After last year’s Oscars, Twiggers said that he didn’t think they could do any better. The Captain agreed. Really, you can’t get much better than what James Franco and Anne Hathaway did. Mr. Twiggers thinks that they should get Joseph Gordon-Levett to host because Mr. Twiggers has a bit of a crush on (Gordon-Levitt). And yes, before you ask, Mr. Twiggers is gay, but I love him just the same.”