Local Man Says He “Totally Won’t Watch Pro Sports”

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FARGO, ND – After becoming frustrated with the recent NHL lockout, local man Garry Broderick has told his friends and family that he has “given up on those assholes” associated with professional sports.

“Fuck those guys,” said Broderick. “And I mean all those guys. The owners. The players. The agents. Everyone involved in professional sports can go fuck themselves. Greedy assholes. I’m not gonna watch that shit anymore. I thought about sending my (Minnesota) Wild jersey back to the Wild owners after I pooped on it but I didn’t cus… I don’t remember why. I already pooped on it, so it’s just sitting there, in the corner of my garage covered in poop. I still might do it though. You know, just to prove my point or something.”

Broderick said he is angry at the greed exhibited by team owners and players as they argue over contracts.

“It’s like my bud Kelly said, ‘fuck ‘em all because they are all bazillionaires,‘” said Broderick. “Who do you root for in a situation like that? I root for myself! That’s who I root for. I’m gonna start watching college sports ‘cus those kids are broke and still playing. That takes heart. I know (college athletes) get to go to school for free and get stipends and boosters give them shit and they basically can do whatever they want but at least they don’t get paid millions.”

Three of the four major professional sports have had contract disputes resulting in lockouts in the last two years.

“Lockouts and contract disputes are going to be the norm for the next couple years,” said Sports Business expert Neil Dubnyk. “With stadiums and arenas being publically financed owners really have very little to lose in a lockout situation and players typically have other playing options. And when you talk about the kind of money that professional sports brings in, it really comes down to each side trying to carve out the biggest share possible. And of course, fans have proved over the last decade that they have short memories and always come back. So really, both the players and the owners have a general ‘fuck ‘em’ attitude towards the fans.”

Broderick’s friends are skeptical about his dedication to giving up professional sports forever.

“I give it a week, tops,” said Broderick’s ex-girlfriend Steph Denner. “He’s already said he was going to come over and watch The Super Bowl. Well, he said he’d watch the Puppy Bowl while we all watched the Super Bowl but he’s full of shit. I guarantee you that the second we start to cheer for something he’ll come running in, forgetting all about what those cute little puppies are doing on the other TV. I also can’t see him watching college baseball. College hockey maybe but not college baseball. Baseball is boring as it is and who the hell wants to watch people who aren’t very good at it play it? Think about it! In college, pitchers can hit! That shit ain’t right!”

Despite the skepticism of his friends and family, Broderick says he is committed and will never watch another professional sport.

“Seriously, I’d watch the players go fuck each other before I watch another pro game,” Broderick said. “Not that I’m gay, I’m totally not, but at this point, that’s where my head is at. I would rather watch a bunch of pros getting all sweaty in the act of love making than watch them get sweaty on the ice or the field.”

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