NEW YORK, NY – Shortly after a list of MC Hammer’s 10 best songs that start with the letter ‘K’ was posted on the blog Music Boxer, all entertainment websites and blogs announced they would cease operations and shut down.
“We’ve ranked everything. Everything. So really, what else is there for us bloggers to do now?” said music blogger Gareth Kharkiv. “So we’re done. I guess I need to call my dad and tell him that he was right and I have to go out and get a real job. Man this sucks. Now no one is going to know who I am. I mean right now only about 15 people know who I am, but still, that’s something. That made me special. Now what am I going to do?”
Over the past several years all entertainment centered websites have been systematically ranking everything related to music, movies, fashion, TV, and video games
“It’s been getting harder and harder to come up with stuff to rank so I’m actually a little happy that we are done. There is nothing left to rank,” said film and television blogger Scott Reynolds. “Last week I ranked the 20 best films that Yahoo Serious would have been great in and, after that, I just had nothing left. Since then I’ve just been posting pictures of Jennifer Lawrence. I can’t rank those pictures because Buzz Feed already did that a month ago.”
With all sites shut down several hundred bloggers will be forced to either move in with their parents or find a new job.
“Unfortunately, this is going to cause a huge strain on an already tight job market,” said Roman Willis, head of the White House Committee on Unemployment. “We’re already sitting on a fairly high unemployment rate as it is, but now we’re going to see a huge influx of newly unemployed people. Now to be fair, to say that these people were employed as bloggers is stretching it a bit, but they were still counted amongst the work force. Too bad McDonald’s isn’t doing that ‘We’re going to hire one million people’ thing again. I would love to have one of these hipster douchbags try and judge me as they make my Big Mac without secret sauce.”
According to internet expert Roger Stevens, sites started to generate rankings because readers stopped reading news.
“These days, only old people actually read any actual news,” Stevens said. “People just don’t care what’s happening out there – even with things they love like music and movies. That and attention spans are ridiculously short these days. On top of all that we also have to remember that the internet is still used mostly for masturbation. People can only jack off to internet porn so many times in one day so they need something quick and easy to entertain them when they aren’t jacking off. So websites started to make lists. A guy can knock one out and while he is recovering he can go look at a list of the 15 hottest girls in video games to help speed up that recovery.”
In addition to giving readers condensed and quick content, Stevens also says that lists help bloggers be more productive.
“Lists are also really easy to write and bloggers are really lazy,” said Stevens. “An average blogger can do 100 lists a day but because there is actual work needed to report news, that same blogger can only write one or two news stories a day. But there really isn’t any harm in ranking stuff. Besides, everyone wants to know where their favorite teen stars of the 90’s are. Everyone wants to know the 35 best things to do with old shoes. It’s human nature to want to know those things, and the web took it and ran.”
Despite the grim news on the job front, many former bloggers are optimistic about their future.
“I think I’m going to be okay,” Reynolds said. “I know a lot of people are freaking out, and some have even killed themselves, but things really aren’t that bad. I mean my parents have a pretty sweet basement so I’m going to go live there for a bit. Then I might try my hand at something, but I don’t know what. Maybe I’ll make furniture or maybe start a podcast. Or, you know what, I was watching How It’s Made the other day and saw a thing about how glass marbles are made, and that was really cool. Maybe I’ll give glass blowing a try. Who knows? The world is my oyster.”