WASHINGTON, DC – In an effort to increase their social media presence and communicate their platform more efficiently to younger Americans, the Republican Party has started a program to teach its base how to use the internet.
“Republicans need to start tweeting and Facebooking and Yelping and they just need to start being online more. A lot more,” said Republican Strategist William Smithson. “The Democrats are all over the internet while Republicans think computers contain demons. Seriously. Half of our base thinks that computers are powered by demonic souls. Obama and his people are all over Twitter while our guys think Twitter is that bird from the Loony Tunes cartoons. (Republicans) need to learn the internet and learn it quick otherwise we’re doomed in the next election, too. And we all know what that means. Yup, another Clinton. This time it’s the one with the vagina, not just the one who loves it.”
In the past two elections, Democrats have embraced social media while Republicans have generally ignored technology.
“Democrats are really good at technology, even to the point where they routinely post pictures of their dicks,” said political analyst Greg Wilcox. “Republicans are generally confused with setting the DVR so getting them up to speed on Facebook is going to take awhile.”
Classes are being offered at Christian churches across the country and are aimed at white men, 60 to 90-years-old.
“After the last election we have had to come to terms with some cold, hard facts,” said Chairman of the Republican National Committee, Reince Priebus. “We got creamed (giggle) and we got a lot of negative attention focused on our platform by kids twittering and facepaging stuff we said. We had no control over social media and if there is one thing the Republican Party is all about it’s control. So in order to make sure the same thing doesn’t happen again, we have to teach Republicans how to use social media and to a broader extent, the internet. And I’m not just talking about how to find porn. No, we need to teach them how to post funny pictures of cats and pictures of Obama looking like Hitler. We can make pictures of Obama looking like Hitler but we can’t get them out there to go virile. That’s what’s going to win us the next election. Not appealing to more people but by making more pictures of Democrats looking like Hitler.”
According to organizers, the internet and social media classes will be geared towards people who have very little understanding of computers and social media.
“We are starting at ground zero here with 98% of Republicans so the first two weeks of classes will be explaining what the internet is,” said project organizer, Carl Miller. “Eventually we will work up to Twitter and Facebook but that’s gonna take us a couple years. Which is why we are starting these classes right now. We’ll see how it goes. If we’re not up to speed by the next election, who knows what will happen. I’d hate to think that we’d have to stop alienating 70% of the country.”
A number of classes have already taken place and teachers have been met with immediate challenges.
“I’ve been a teacher for the last 15 years, and for the past seven years, I’ve been working exclusively with children with severe mental disabilities and I’ve never had this much trouble teaching something so simple to someone,” said Wendy Parker, a teacher at Wilson Jerome Elementary school in Washington D.C.. “I had one guy ask me the other day why they needed to do this since the internet is just a tool that the government uses to turn everyone gay. That’s the level we’re dealing with here. They don’t know what the internet is, and they don’t want to know. I’m trying to get it through their heads that the internet is a wonderful thing full of all the knowledge that they could possibly want, but they’re content to sit there and stew in their generations old prejudices.”
Classes have been scheduled at every Christian Church in the country on every Tuesday and Thursday through 2016.