Jesus Christ Distancing Himself From Tim Tebow

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Over the past several months Jesus Christ has been trying to distance himself from Tim Tebow.

NEW YORK, NY – As Tim Tebow’s NFL career looks to be in jeopardy, one time fan Jesus Christ has begun distancing himself from the football player.

Tebow admitted that while they were once very close friends, he has not seen or spoken to Christ in almost a year.

“It just kind of stinks, you know,” said Tebow. “(Christ) was always someone that I knew would have my back, but now the guy won’t even return my phone calls. I mean, I know he’s there, where else is he going to be? It hurts, you know? I know he’s probably busy and all that, what with the thing in Boston and Texas, but still, it would be nice to get at least a phone call saying ‘hey.’ But I’ve gotten nothing.”

According to those close to the situation, Christ has been trying to distance himself from Tebow over the last few months.

“(Christ) felt that Tebow was being a little too clingy and felt that he needed a little space,” St. Peter said. “At first, when Tim would call (Christ) would say that he was washing his feet or that he had to schedule an appearance on another tortilla, or something like that. But Tim just wouldn’t stop calling and texting. It was getting kind of crazy. So Christ thought that maybe he should just ignore Tim for a little bit. But now Tim is crying to the media and Christ doesn’t know what to do. It’s kind of messed up when you think about it. You just want to say ‘Tim, knock this shit off. Jesus has moved on, you should too’ but I doubt he’d listen to anyone. He didn’t listen to the people that told him he can’t play in the NFL.”

Since his release by the New York Jets, Tebow has been trying to find another job in the NFL, but thus far, no team has been interested.

“I know Jesus has a plan for me and that plan is to be a quarterback,” said Tebow. “We use to talk about it all the time. Jesus and I talked about a lot of stuff you know. And he always told me ‘Tim, whatever anyone says, I believe in you.’ And I tell that to all the NFL owners and stuff but no one will listen to me. I don’t understand it, I know in my heart that I’m a good QB, but everyone out there wants me to switch to Tight End. I had a 75% completion rate last year. That’s almost an unheard of number in the NFL. Can Joe Montana say that he completed 75% of all his passes? No. Troy Aikmen? Nope. But I did, but no one will even take a glance in my direction. Maybe if Christ was there to stick up for me but I don’t know what’s going on with him lately. He won’t return my calls. I should call him right now.”

While not going in to details about the nature of their relationship, Christ said that things are different between Tebow and himself.

“People grow apart, you know?” said Christ. “He was cool to hang out with for awhile but then he started name dropping my all over the place and saying I do all this stuff for him and he is doing all this stuff in my name and I was just kinda, like, whoa! I’m not necessarily mad at him but I just think that maybe we should both just not see each other ever again. And I definitely won’t pick him for my fantasy league ever again. He’s a terrible quarterback.”

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