Local Woman Makes National Tragedy All About Her

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GREEN BAY, WI – A local woman told coworkers and friends that she is lucky to be alive as she had considered running a marathon at some point in her life and that marathon she may have run could have been the marathon in Boston that suffered a terrorist attack last month.

“I just… jeez, that could have been me, you know? I could have been killed in that explosion at the Boston marathon,” said Linda Tippett. “I just am sitting here thinking how lucky I am, you know? That could have been me because I’ve been thinking for a long time about running a marathon. And if I ran a marathon I might have decided to run the Boston Marathon. And if I decided to run the Boston Marathon I might have decided to run it this year. And if I ran it this year I might have been running past the place where the bombs went off when the bomb went off. And if I had been there where the bombs went off I… I don’t know what would have even happened. I just think about how close I was to dying and… I’m just so lucky. I think god saved me and I really think he has a plan for me, you know?”

Every day since the Boston Marathon bombings, Tippett has been telling coworkers and friends how lucky she is to be alive. Because of the frequency and repetition of Tippett’s comments, her friends and family have been trying to avoid her.

“(Tippett) comes in here every day and tells us about the latest news about the bombing and then she immediately follows up with some bullshit about how she almost died because she once thought about signing up for a marathon,” said Tippett’s coworker Jenny Maroon. “That’s basically like saying I could have died on the Challenger explosion if I had spent 20 years becoming an astronaut and had been selected by NASA to go on that particular mission. Really though, fuck her. Fuck her for trying to make that horrible tragedy about her. She did the same thing after 9/11 and after the bombings in London. People like her – people that make these terrible tragedies about themselves to give themselves the attention rather those really, truly affected – those people make me sick.”

Although Tippett has never run a marathon and is not considered to be in good physical shape by medical standards, she maintains that it’s possible that she could have been running in last month’s Boston Marathon.

“I could have been (at the Boston Marathon)!” said Tippett. “I wasn’t and I can’t run a marathon right now but I’ve thought about it. A couple years ago one of my New Year’s resolutions was to get in shape, primarily so that I could run in a marathon. I didn’t get in shape that year but I could have. It was just that we had a vacation and then the kids had some stuff and the gym was on the other side of town. But if I did want to run a marathon I might want to run the Boston Marathon and I might have run it this year and gosh… I mean I really almost could have died! I think about that every day. I thank god everyday that he chose to spare my life.”

According to Tippett, the bombings have not only had an impact on how she views her place in the world, but the bombings have also increased the likelihood that she will never participate in a marathon.

“I’m not sure I will run a marathon now though,” said Tippett. “What if I do one and some one bombs the next one. No, I think I need to concentrate on what god has in his plan for me and that isn’t marathons. I’m thinking that it has something to do with snakes. Because there have been a lot of snakes in our backyard lately. I don’t know what he could possibly want me to do with the snakes, but that’s gotta be it, right? I mean first he saves me from getting killed n Boston and now there are a bunch of snakes. It’s got to be connected.”

At press time god was unavailable for comment.

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