WASHINGTON, DC – Facing the first national crisis under the guidance of newly elected President George W. Bush, Congress has called an emergency session to decide whether or not the United States sweater vest reserves should be tapped in an attempt to curb skyrocketing costs.
The plan, proposed by President Bush, would call for 200,000 crates of sweater vest and sweater vest material to be released for public consumption. Prices have recently reached an all time high due to trouble in Western Guatemala, the worlds leading supplier of sweater vests.
“We can not and must not let ourselves be controlled by outside, and by outside, I mean not American, forces. I personally know of people who are financially unable to either get sweater vests finished or repair existing ones. In order to protect the rights of American citizens, we must open the reserves,” Bush said.
In addition to opening the reserves, Bush’s plan will call for 3.5 million acres of Alaska and approximately 1/3 of Yellowstone National Park land to be reserved for mining and harvesting the material needed for the vests. While met with criticism from every environmental association, Bush contends the move is necessary to make sure a shortage like this never happens again.
“Those damn treehuggers don’t understand the importance of these sweater vests. It’s an American tradition and not having them is damn near un-American. In order to offer sweater vests to every resident of these United States, we must open the environment and harvest the necessary indegredents,” Bush said.
While the situation may seem extreme, people all over the country are breathing a sigh of relief now that prices of sweater vests will be lowered.
“Man, that sucked,” said Richard Carlson. “I mean, I went in to get a vest because my old blue one is wearing out on the shoulders, and they were like 150 dollars. Can you believe that? I mean it’s just a sweater vest, it’s only supposed to be, like, 5 bucks.”
The releasing of such an amount has raised concern amongst those who feel that the time is not an emergency, that it’s just a down turn in the Guatemalan economy.
“We will not be experiencing this shortage for a substantial amount of time,” said noted economist Bill Renford. “With a Republican in the White House the demand for these vests is at an all time high, its only a matter of time before those dirty, dirty Guatemalan’s get off their lazy, non-vest producing asses. As soon as they blow all of their money on cheep imported rum and even cheaper whores, or spend what little money they make from producing God knows what else, they will once again turn to the old stand bye, importing high priced Singaporean whores. God bless those filthy savages.”
Even though the proposed bill would spell certain doom for the environment in Alaska and around Yellowstone, Congress is expected to pass the Bill into law later next week.