HOLLYWOOD, CA – Ho! Ly! Cow people! It seems like it has been forever since I wrote a column for you guys. I know! I’ve missed you too. I missed seeing all of your shining, smiling faces a few times a year! But never fear, your rotund reader of the randomness is back! And I’m back with a vengeance! (And by vengeance I mean a bottle of Skinny Girl Mojito and a little something called Fifty Shades of My Vag!).
Now, you’re probably thinking to yourself “Wow, I haven’t seen a Beth Sinclair since at least 2010. I bet she’s probably been getting pounded by every hot stud in a 500 mile radius.” Well, if you were thinking that, you’d be mostly right. It’s been more of a 300 mile radius! You’ve got to start small is my motto, especially when we’re talking about anal! But no, I didn’t just give up my Rusty Wagon Wheel to everyone over the last three years. No, I’ve been working. I’m happy to tell you that very soon, I”ll have my very first book published! I know! I’m so totally excited that I could probably cut through steel with my nipples! Now I don’t want to give too much away but the title is “Things That I’ve Had Shoved Into My Orifices.” It’s a semi autobiographical tale of young love. But watch out, it’s got a surprise twist and I’m not just talking about Bradly Cooper’s whammy bar!
Speaking of Bradley Cooper, did you guys see the Hangover Part 3? O! M! G! That movie was awesome. I thought that the franchise had hit it’s peak with Part 2, but you guys, Part 3 is 800 billion times better! And to think that I almost didn’t go see it! So that’s why I’m here, sheeple! I’m here to tell you all about the movies that you should be seeing this summer! Here is a list of my personal highlights that will get you wetter (or harder!) than I get when I watch Judge Judy!
Cop a Feel (July 12)
A new buddy cop comedy from the minds that brought you Human Centipede. Katherine Heigl and Steve Buscemi play police officers that are handcuffed together. Believe me, I’d give my left nut to be handcuffed to either one of those stars for even 10 minutes! Anyways, the two must work together to prevent The Rock from assassinating the mayor and taking control of the city.
The Truth About Mr. Jingles (July 12)
This movie looks to be the biggest tearjerker of the year, and believe me, I haven’t cried in a movie since Mark Whalberg showed his gigantic junk in Boogie Nights. I know it was fake, but it was beautiful none the less! Jessie Eisenberg plays a little boy with Downs Syndrome that is trying to make sense of the world after his beloved stuffed dog, Mr. Jingles, is run over by a lawn mower. This movie has everything… well, maybe not Markey Mark’s fake dongle, but still, it looks fantastic! Who would have thought that Jessie Eisenberg could play such a convincing retarded kid?
Wall Street Daze (August 2)
In this period drama, Kirk Cameron plays a man who has lost everything in the stock market crash of 1912. Now I know that ol’ Mike Seaver has gone all churchey on us in the last few years, but you cannot deny that the guy knows how to act. He will tug at your heartstrings (and I’ll tug something else!) as a father trying to do right by his family while the world crumbles around him. The only way this movie could be better is if his friend Boner showed up… if you know what I mean!
The Whatever, August 23
Vince Vaughn stars as a guy suffering some kind of mid-life crisis so he goes on some crazy adventures. Honestly, I don’t even know what it’s really about because I get all of his movies mixed up because they are all about a guy with a mid-life crisis going on crazy adventures. So let’s just say in this one he gets a new job as a stripper. Why not? We’ll see it no matter what it’s about. Right guys?
Planking: The Movie (August 30)
Remember that totally awesome MEME we gall all wrapped up in during the summer of 2010? Planking? Remember how wild we all got with that? Hollywood does and they are FINALLY getting around to making a movie about it. This movie Robert Pattinson and I can tell you what, I’d like him to plank me! JK. Not really.
Well folks, that’s all I have for you. I’ve got to get to work on the sequel to my book and I also need to get back to my Insanity workouts! Have you seen that? Holy crap! Those videos are rough, and I don’t even do the exercises! It’s a workout just watching Shaun T shake that sexy butt of his. Well, that’s not true, I do get a pretty good work out… on my rosebud! Shaun T, if you’re out there reading this (and I’m sure you are), you can “dig deeper” into me anytime you want!