WASHINGTON, DC – With approval from both Congress and the President of the United States, The National Security Agency now has access to every American’s permanent school records.
Every student who attended a elementary, middle school or high school in America has a permanent record that contains information on the student including performance and disciplinary issues.
“We’ve been telling kids for generations that their permanent file will come back to haunt them and now it has,” said Department of Education Secretary, Arne Duncan. “Serves the little shits right. You act up in school and now the NSA will be after you!”
The NSA asked for access to permanent school records to help identify possible terrorists before they can execute an attack.
“As (the NSA) go through these school records we will look for people that spent a lot of time in detention for threatening to blow stuff up,” said NSA agent Rodney Spears. “The next thing we will look at is which students spent time in detention for saying they hate America and our freedom. Next, we will look for students who spent any time at all in detention. And of course, the last thing we will look at is the students who didn’t spend any time in detention – you know, just to catch those that may be flying under the radar and playing it quiet to throw us off.”
The move to allow access to permanent school records comes on the heels of recent leaks that the NSA has access to millions of American’s electronic data.
“(Congress) figured that since we’ve already given everything else to the NSA, we might as well let them have access to school records too, you know, just in case,” said Senator Ron Johnson. “These days, terrorists are a lot more shifty and less obvious than they were back in the day. Now they try not to show that they are terrorists. They don’t even all have beards anymore. Psychiatrists say that terrorist behavior is evident from a young age so this makes sense. If the NSA says they need something to stop terrorists then we are going to give it to them. No matter what it is.”
As many of the permanent school records are written on paper, the NSA has hired a large number of scared, white, suburban mothers to input the information in to the NSA databases.
“The way that the general populace should be looking at this is not that the government is invading their privacy but we’re creating jobs,” said Director of the National Security Agency, General Keith B. Alexander. “The NSA will need to hire several thousand people to input all this data. And we don’t just need any body, we need people that will really take this seriously with a keen eye for detail and people that are easily alarmed to help identify threats. What’s more easily alarmed that suburban white mothers? Nothing. There is literally nothing on earth that is more scared of everything than white, suburban mothers.”
Many American’s are upset by the additional access granted to the NSA and view the agency as intrusive and evidence of an oppressive and over-reaching government.
“This really bugs me, I mean a lot,” said Chris Ray, 32 from Newark, Delaware. “I mean I’ve gotten use to the idea that every text message that I send is being used by some pervert in Washington as jack-off fodder, but now they’re taking about our school records? That’s bullshit man. I don’t want anyone, let alone the government, to know that I got caught feeling up Mandy Jenkins in the 9th grade. I don’t care if they say she was retarded, she was the only girl back then willing to let me touch her tits.”
The new access for the NSA was granted after a short discussion in the Senate and a unanimous vote.
“Basically, we just said (the NSA) will either get this access to permanent school records or we make guns illegal,” said NSA spokesman Alton White. “It really is amazing what you can get passed when you say the alternative is taking away people’s guns. We could probably pass gay marriage in every single state if we just said the alternative is to take away people’s guns. Maybe I’ll go to the gays with that one. I bet they would pay quite a bit of money to get that going. I’ll have to look into that. Anyways, it was really easy to do.”
While many Americans dislike the new invasion of privacy, more and more people are willing to concede certain rights if it prevents another terrorist attack.
“Whatever. I don’t really give a shit because I don’t really have anything to hide. I was fine with the NSA checking my electronic stuff, especially if it meant that no one else was going to get all blown up,” said Renea Weddly. “But the school thing does seem a little weird. I mean I got sent to the principal’s office when I was in 5th grade because I took in a bag of my dogs shit for show and tell. I mean it had a carrot in it! How did it get there? I don’t know! Anyways, how is that knowledge going to help someone tell whether or not I’m a radical Muslim?”