WASHINGTON, D.C. – Almost 30 years after the release of Crack Cocaine, the Central Intelligence Agency is releasing an updated, diet version of the popular drug.
According to a spokesman at the CIA, the new diet Crack Cocaine will be marketed under the name DCrack and will follow a similar marketing strategy as the current Crack, which will now be marketed as Original Crack.
“The original Crack was a huge success for us,” said Director of the Department of Urban Influence with the CIA, David Windsor. “Back in the day we really needed something that we could roll out that would just crush all the hopes and dreams of certain, let’s say, people. Are they considered ‘people’ now? I’m not up to date with these things. Anyways, (Crack) was a huge success. It couldn’t have been more effective. But these days, everyone, even crackheads, are worried about their health. Everyone wants to lose those 10 or 20 pounds so we figured ‘what the hell, let’s make a diet version of Crack.’ So that’s where we are now.”
DCrack will be the first update to the Crack formula since the initial release of the drug in 1984.
“When I first created Crack, I thought that it would be a big deal, but I wasn’t sure how big,” said CIA Chemist, Andrew Banner. “(Crack) was really just something that I threw together one night when I was fucked out of mind on coke. So I was just throwing shit together, not really caring about the health implications. If I would have known how fattening Crack was, shit, I probably would have rethought what I was doing. A lot of people think that Crack is a great way to lose weight, but really, that shit is way unhealthy.”
Among other benefits, the CIA says the new DCrack will contain fewer calories than the Original Crack but will maintain the same high.
“Really, this is just a much better version of an already great product,” said Banner. “Think of it like Diet Coke. Not Coke as in cocaine, but as in the soda. Diet Coke has all the same great taste of regular Coke, but fewer calories. That’s the basis of what we did here. We couldn’t get all the way down to zero calories, but we got pretty damn close. The best thing about DCrack is that it still gets you really, really high. DCrack also lasts just as long as the original so you don’t have to worry about buying more to maintain the same high. Trust me; I’m somewhat of an expert on the subject. It’s amazing.”
Market analysts say that the CIA will release the new version of Crack in to a crowded market already flooded with other high-potency drugs.
“The drug market is extremely competitive right now and Crack isn’t doing the kind of business it was doing 20 or even 10 years ago,” said narcotics market analyst, Rosanna DeGuzera. “Meth has really started to dominate the market. With Meth taking over, Crack really needed to offer something new and different to stay relative. There is still a lot of name recognition with Crack but that isn’t enough. We’ll see how this new version of Crack does, but I think it will prove to be pretty popular.”
The release of DCrack has come as a surprise to many Crack consumers who thought the CIA had exited the drug industry.
“Man I knews it, I fuckin’ knews it,” said crackhead, Kevin McElfresh. “They be all up in this shit with their shit and they said they wasn’t in that shit but I knew they was in that shit. You got any rocks? I’m hurtin’ real bad, man. I just need a little. Give me your fuckin’ shit man! I know. I know! Just gimmie a little taste. C’mon! Man, I’ll suck yo dick!”
The CIA says it plans to release the new DCrack in the Washington DC area early next year. If that launch is successful, the company will expand to other large markets across the country by summer.
“We are confident the launch will go well because, let’s face it, there isn’t a person in the entire US that doesn’t know what Crack is so I think people will be excited,” said Windsor. “(The CIA) is kind of like Apple in a way. You know? People expect great things from us and will line up just to check out what we’ve got coming up next. Throw on top of that a product that is so much better for you, people are going to be all over DCrack like crackheads on a rolling rock.”
As word about the release of DCrack has spread, crackheads across Washington DC have begun to line up in drug trafficking areas for a chance to be one of the first to try the new drug.
“I’m in, you know, for the line… and I’m gonna get some. Yeah. I’m gonna try it right away so I don’t level out and I need to get that stuff ‘cus I heard it was better and you can get real high and I just need to be high ‘cus of this pain,” said crackhead Jess Regger. “I just have pain. I want some crack. I need some crack. I… uh. I think my heart just exploded.”