Dutch Oven Victim Identifies with Chemical Weapon Victims

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FORT WAYNE, IN – Last month, shortly after the world was told of the chemical attacks that took place in Syria, Jaime Wingham immediately felt a kinship to all the people in Syria who were affected by the attacks. Wingman has admitted that for years, she herself has been the victim of repeated chemical attacks in the form of Dutch Ovens.

“I guess it all started when I moved in with my boyfriend Randy Bowen,” said Wingham. “Randy is kind of a guys guy, so he’s not shy about his bodily functions. Right away he started passing gas around me. At first it was cute, but he kept doing it and things soon progressed. Then, one night, I woke up and I was surrounded by this horrible stench. It felt like I was trapped and there was no air around me, only this strange chemical. I found out that Randy had just given me a Dutch Oven. That was the first time, and thinking back on it, I know what all those people in Syria felt like when they were being gassed.”

According to chemical weapon experts, the Dutch Oven primarily occurs in beds and consists of trapping a person under the covers while the trapper farts—leaving the trapped person unable to escape the gas attack.

“One of the most horrifying things about Dutch Oven attacks is that they are usually perpetrated by people on their loved ones,” said United Nations Weapons Inspector Gabrielle Hernandez. “I’ve done it to my wife. I will admit that. I don’t feel good about it at all and I know how horrible it is to be trapped under the blanket when someone farts because it’s happened to me. It’s a horrible, horrible thing to do to a person.”

According to Wingham, the attacks occur often, but they also happen at random so she has no time to prepare.

“For a while I contemplated the idea of wearing gas mask to bed, but I didn’t think that I would be able to sleep,” said Wingham. “But the attacks don’t come every night. Sure, like the Syrians, if I knew when the attacks were coming, I would wear the mask, but I don’t, and I just can’t stand the idea of sleeping in a mask every night just in case. (Bowen) will sometimes go months without doing it and then one night, with no provocation, boom, he unleashes the fury.”

According to Bowen, the reasons behind the attack are simple: it’s really funny.

“Have you ever given anyone the Dutch Oven? If you haven’t you need to do that shit tonight,” said Bowen. “The first time I did it, it was really god damned funny. (Wingham’s) reaction was so much better than I thought it would be. Now every time I do it, it’s like the first time. It’s like Christmas and Super Bowl all rolled into one. Of course if she stopped reacting so strongly I might stop doing it, but… who am I kidding? I’ll never stop doing it. It’s too much fun. I have to keep it a surprise though. So I like to go a while between doing it.”

Despite the constant attacks, Wingham has no intention of leaving Bowen.

“Aside from the Dutch Ovens, he’s really a sweet guy,” Wingham said. “For my birthday he got me this really nice fishing pole. I don’t like fishing but it was really thoughtful. Luckily it didn’t go to waste because he’s used it to go fishing a couple times. And he’s really nice to my parents — especially my dad. They drink beer together and watch football together. They are both Notre Dame fans so it’s really a nice day — as long as the Irish win.”

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