Scoop News’ Guide to 2013’s Hottest Toys

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The Scoop News' list of the hottest toys.
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NEW YORK CITY – The holiday season is here and parents will soon begin looking for the perfect toys for their children.

As it has done for the past 30 years, The Scoop News has interviewed several toy industry insiders and has compiled a list of toys that are expected to be some of this year’s hottest sellers.

Suburban Camo GI. Joe
This new design for the popular GI Joe action figure will feature various types of camouflage that will help the action figure blend in to its surrounding.

“GI Joe is always and always will be a good seller,” said 38-year-old toy collector and virgin Jeremy Brelle. “The ‘suburban camo’ idea is kinda cool. Basically the action figure will come with a variety of camo that you can dress your figure in to heighten the playing experience. There is a carpet camo design, a white interior house paint camo, a green grass camo, and my personal favorite, the crumpled Snickers wrapper camo. One thing I would recommend for parents though is that they should consider getting four or five of these action figures because I can’t find mine. I put the carpet camo on it and I think it’s in the living room but I have no idea. It’s really good camouflage.”

The Backyard Hunger Games Game
One of the top grossing movies of the year, “Hunger Games: Catching Fire” now has an officially licensed game that will let players reenact the Hunger Games in their own back yards.

“This game comes with a handful of real weapons and survival supplies,” said Fun Family Fun Game Vice President, Sarah McGammon. “Kids can now reenact their favorite scenes from Hunger Games by murdering their friends and neighbors in fun and exciting ways. Each game comes with a bow, five arrows, a sword, five daggers, two spears, a tent, food provisions, make-up and matches. What kid wouldn’t want to be the Hunger Games champ of their neighborhood? None that I know of… and I use to know a lot of children.”

Good Christian Child Playset
The Good Christian Playset is expected to be a hot seller amongst Christian parents. The playset, made by JesusChrist!, Inc. comes with a bible, a bookmark with a picture of The Bible on It, a tent, and a CD of famous Christians reading Bible passages out loud.

“It’s Christmas time and that means one thing – Christ,” said JesusChrist! Inc spokesman Nathan Knaea. “We at JesusChrist!, Inc want to make sure we keep the Christ in Christ-mas. You know what I mean? And what better way than offering children the best Christ-mas gift of all – a Bible! It’s a fact that children love The Bible so we expect this playset to be off the hook – as the kids say. This playset comes with everything a child will need to have the best and most fun Christ-mas ever. They’ll get a Bible and a bookmark and a tent so they can read The Bible in their backyard, in private, and a CD of Bible passages being read by some of the most famous Christians ever. Kids love CDs and famous people! We were able to get both Kirk Cameron and Tim Tebow to read for the CD! We couldn’t pay them very much so they only read one verse each. But the message is really in the words, not the voice. My children have already worn out their playsets. I found one of them out back in a bush covered in dirt and falling apart from over use so I’m sure my kids will be excited to get new Good Christian Child Playsets for Christ-mas again this year.”

Lil’ Shooter AR-15
The fully functional Lil’ Shooter AR-15 has all the power and function of an adult sized AR-15, only smaller and comes in either camo for boys or pink for girls.

“Every American child should own a gun and if you disagree with that statement then go back to Russia you fuckin’ Anti-American Commie asshole!” said Toys R Us manager and NRA member Waylon Jenks.

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