Olympic Snowboarders Pretend They are Real Athletes

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USA Snowboarder Reilly Webber will spend the next several days learning how to pretend to be an actual athlete.
USA Snowboarder Reilly Webber will spend the next several days learning how to pretend to be an actual athlete.

BOULDER, CO – Snowboarders around the world are getting ready to pretend they are actual athletes as they prepare for next month’s Winter Olympics.

“Yeah. We are gonna have to start pretending to be actual athletes here in a couple weeks,” said USA Snowboarder Shaun Lertz. “It will be hard but, you know, we are willing to put in a couple hours to practice being actual athletes – between bowls. He he! Whooo! High five, brah! But seriously, we gotta get that out of our system too. Literally. I hear the drug policies at the Olympics are way sick, brah.”

The USA snowboarding team has been holding training sessions for its team members to teach them to wear pants that fit, to not refer to everything as sick and everyone as “brah,” how to tell reporters that they do actually workout and train, and how to compare themselves to other actual athletes.

“What people don’t understand is that snowboarding is way hard, brah… I mean, dude,” Lertz said. “It’s not just doing sick frontsies after smoking a huge bowl. Sure, there’s a lot of that stuff, but we do other things too. Like we, um… spinning. We do a lot of spinning and that’s like hard, you know? We have to practice that shit like once a month at least.”

Some team members have been resistant to the training as they somehow already believe that they are actual athletes.

“Dude, we’re athletes! My mom tells me I’m an athlete like every day,” said USA Snowboarder Reilly Webber. “We’re just as atheletistic, or whatever, as those guys that get in the… things… you know. The… uh… guys in the cart thing. You know, that sick sled thing that the dudes totally run down the track with. Then they all jump in it and go down this sick thing that is all icy and shit. Shit man, what are those motherfuckers called, brah? I don’t know, whatever. We are athletes, though.”

Actual athletes have dropped by USA Snowboarding Team meetings to offer advice and describe what it’s like being an actual athlete.

“I stopped by to tell the snowboarders what it’s like to get up every morning and train and practice for most of the day and really concentrate on becoming the best player, the best athlete that you can but I’m not sure any of the kids that bothered to show up even listened” said USA Mens Hockey team member Paul Stastny. “Most of them were asleep or playing on their phones. One kid just sat there giggling the whole time. I think he was high.”

Regardless of how successful snowboarders are at pretending to be actual athletes, the team is committed to having fun and accurately reflecting and representing the USA.

“Yo, brah, we be getting’ all kindsa crazy-ass whips and shit in,” said USA Snowboarder Keil Johnson. “I strapped in, dropped in and hit some sick verts and twirls, yaknowwhaimean? Shit. So… we… uh, man, the Olympics are gonna be fuckin’ gnar! I’m supa-stocked, brah. Shit… Oh shit! I forgot! I can’t burn for a couple weeks now since they will be drug testing. Total bullshit. But once my drops are in it’s gonna be all ‘what-what’ and burn-burn! Hehe! Whoo! Where is Russia anyways? Is that, like, near the country London?”

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