WASHINGTON, D.C. – America’s most beloved actress, Jennifer Lawrence, has brought peace to the entire Middle East.
“Jennifer Lawrence came here and looked me right in the eye and said that there should be peace so I made peace,” said Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “As much as I want to be true to my people and my country, above all I want to make Jennifer Lawrence happy. She is just a really great girl. She deserves to be happy. So there it is. If this will make her happy, then we will do it. Plus, she did not say this but I could see it in her eyes, but I believe that if I made peace with the Palestine and everyone else that she would maybe kiss me. Like I said, she did not say that outright but she had a look that made me think she may be interested in kissing me.”
Lawrence, who was in Israel for a press event associated with her newest film, “American Hustle,” brokered the peace deal by simply smiling and saying how “cool it would be if there was peace over here.”
“When someone who has the stature and beauty of Ms. Lawrence says something like that, you think a little longer about how your actions are hurting Jennifer Lawrence,” said Walter Quinn, US Ambassador to Israel. “I think it’s a pretty safe bet that no one in the world wants to be the person that disappoints (Lawrence) so you’re going to go out of your way to do what she asks. She just has a look about her that makes you think she could be in to you and so you try really hard for that to be true. Of course it didn’t hurt when she dropped hints that she would reveal some cool new information about new X-Men and Hunger Games movies.”
Unsure where “here” meant when Lawrence said it would be “cool it would be if there was peace over here,” leaders of all Middle East countries declared that they would honor Lawrence’s request and cease all hostilities immediately.
“None of us are sure where Jennifer Lawrence was speaking of so we are all making peace. I have stopped slaughtering my own people just in case Jennifer Lawrence was talking about Syria,” said Syria President Bashar al-Assad. “We didn’t want to be the one country that was not seen as cooperating with Ms. Lawrence. That would not have been a good thing. It would have killed me if I had to see the look of disappointment come across (Lawrence’s) beautiful face. It would have been like the scene in’ The Hunger Games’ when Katniss gets disappointed that Peeta wants her to shoot him. Nobody wants to get that look. That look would kill a man. And if there is no peace here and Jennifer Lawrence wants peace then she is unlikely to kiss me and I believe that Jennifer Lawrence would want to kiss me if she were happy with me.”
Lawrence, in her typical cute, endearing and good humored way, said she didn’t mean to force people in to peace but she is glad it happened.
“I didn’t really want to pressure anyone into anything, I mean, that wasn’t my intention,” Lawrence said. “But believe me, I’m super happy that this all happened. There should be peace everywhere all the time. I like being an actress but to be known for being the person to bring about peace in the Middle East is really a high point in my life. It’s right up there with my Oscar and my #10 ranking on Maxim’s ‘Hot 100’ list in 2011.”
With peace now in place, many Middle East experts are hoping that the peace will remain permanent.
“Things have been really good and we hope that things continue,” Netanyahu said. “At least we hope that they continue till we no longer find Jennifer Lawrence attractive and want to be kissed by her. Or at least we get an advanced copy of the new Hunger Games film.”