BOSTON, MA – The single scientist who does not agree with the theory of global warming has admitted the only reason for his dissenting opinion is because he is mad at someone.
“The thing is… well, you know how when you break up with someone and your immediate reaction is to hate everything that the other person was in to? Like if your boyfriend or girlfriend was really into Coldplay and then you break up and you can’t stand Coldplay anymore? It’s kinda pretty much just like that,” said Scientist Gene Fredericks. “My ex was one of the guys on a team that did some work or something on the climate change stuff, or the global warming stuff, whatever people are calling it now and… I just hate everything he does. He’s an asshole who cheated on me so his data is probably shit. He cheated on a college exam you know.”
Fredericks, who has recently been identified as the sole scientist that does not accept the theory and data behind global warming, said that he hasn’t actually looked at the global warming data.
“Every time someone finds out that I’m the one scientist who is against global warming they send me all this stuff to read but I’m not going to read it,” said Frederick. “Also, things can’t possibly be getting warmer because we still have winter. Whoever invented winter should be shot. What do you mean no one invented winter? I’m a scientist! I think I know a little something about winter and inventing things!”
Although they believe in global warming, several scientists understand why Fredericks would be against the idea.
“We’ve all had bad break ups, man. It’s part of being a scientist,” said Scientist Vijay Nuum. “Love is hard. I dated a girl one time that was really in to The Kinks and when we broke up I took all my Kinks records out in to the street and set them on fire and then peed on the ashes. Then I went over to her house and I started that on fire after I barricaded all the doors… um… nevermind all that. Also it really doesn’t matter what Fredericks thinks because the only way those climate change deniers are going to believe it is if god walked in to their trailer and tells them in person. And since god is dead – he died in 1973 from liver failure by the way – that isn’t going to happen anytime soon.”
Even though several years have passed since the breakup, Fredericks does not plan on reviewing global warming data anytime soon.
“I know it’s been a long time. A real long time but I’m still really mad at him,” said Fredericks. “I put everything into that relationship and he just goes and sucks the first dick that comes along with a better degree. Fuck him! So what if I haven’t finished my third Doctorate, I’m working on it! University of Phoenix online is hard! He couldn’t give me a few more years? Well screw him! But you know what? Fuck him, I’m in a better place now. I’m all alone and I wish I was dead most days but it’s better than being with some jerk that spends all day wondering if it’s hotter now than it was in 1983.”