MOUNT VERNON, WA – A report recently released by the Department of Animal Rights and Welfare concludes that Lewis is bad dog.
The report comes on the heels of a recent outbreak of reported bad behavior exhibited by Lewis, including the destruction of a throw pillow.
“We love Lewis to death but he’s just… not a good dog all the time. Like two days ago when we tore apart a throw pillow and then dry humped the mess,” said Michael Perry, Lewis’ owner. “It does seem as though he’s been especially… not good lately. I can’t count the number of things that (Lewis) has destroyed in the past month. I mean he’s always been a bit of a wild card when it comes to his behavior, but lately he’s really upped his game. He’s completely destroyed two couches, eaten the siding off of the house, pulled the satellite dish cable out and in to the yard, and has shit on the floor seven times in the past week alone. He’s been house trained for the past five years and all of a sudden he shits in the house. I don’t get it. And… I love him, but he looks me right in the eye when he does these things.”
To collect data for the final report the research team conducted interviews of those who have direct contact with Lewis, reviewed Lewis’ environment, and examined Lewis’ health records.
“We’ve observed countless numbers of dogs throughout the course of this research, but really, it’s rare we see a dog as bad as Lewis,” said Andy Gerber, lead researcher for the Department of Animal Rights. “Most dogs will do these types of things when they are stressed or scared or any number of other emotions. Dogs are fucking neurotic, so there is no telling why they actually do the things that they do. We looked at the data and we were as impartial as possible but we just had to conclude that Lewis is, in fact, a bad dog. Good dogs don’t eat a sock, tear apart a couch, shit on the kitchen counter, and bark as much as Lewis does all in the span of an hour. And that’s a typical hour.”
The report’s findings has surprised few as most people familiar with Lewis had already believed him to be a bad dog.
“Let me say this, right up front… Lewis is a sweet, loving dog. But with that, he is one of the worst dogs I have ever seen,” said Perry’s friend, Bill King. “He’s playful and does all the things you would want a dog to do, but I don’t trust him. I was at (Perry’s house) one time, and knowing Lewis like I do, I took off my hat and put it on top of the refrigerator. That motherfucker figured out a way to climb onto the counter just to get my hat. Then he sat there, looking me right in the eye while he chewed the shit out of my hat. That’s not the behavior of a ‘good dog.’”
While the report concludes that Lewis is a bad dog, those closest to him say they still love him and will continue to help him to become a good dog.
“We try, we do things with (Lewis) that are supposed to take away his energy so that he doesn’t do the bad things,” Perry said. “It’s helped, a little. I mean this past week he’s only destroyed a few things. So there is some progression. We’ll see, though. I would really like to get to a point that we can leave him alone in the house again without worrying about what he’ll do while we’re gone. Maybe we should just put him on doggy Prozac. Do they make Prozac for dogs?”
At press time Lewis was unavailable for comment because he is a dog.