Canada to Build Canadian Theme Park

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MONTREAL, QC – Inspired by the recent opening of Disney’s California Adventure theme park, the Canadian Tourism Commission has unveiled plans for a Canadian themed amusement park. The park, located just north of Montreal will feature rides and exhibits highlighting the Canadian “way of life.”

Canada plans on using the park to heighten Canadian awareness and celebrate the Canadian culture and its contributions to the world.

“Ah Geeze, there’s a wholota stuff we are gunna want to build, eh. We uh, got one of them Big Wheel things that we’ll probably get up and running. Maybe call it a uh… Canadian Sun Wheel. Well no, that just doesn’t make sense. We hardly ever see the sun up in these parts don’tcha know?” Tourism board member Clifford Tobberman said.

Along with the yet to be named Ferris Wheel, the park designers have some big plans for unique features that can only be found in the park. The planners are counting on their new IMAX Theater to be the biggest draw of the park. The theater will offer exclusive Canadian films with the first being “The Montreal Expos Experience.” Viewers will be treated to a 20-minute “car ride” past the stadium. This is said to be better than the real thing since citizens generally avoid the stadium on game days.

“Golly, we’re sure gunna make it fun for them youngsters, eh,” Tobberman said. “We got this here ride we’re gonna call the Roll ‘Eh Coaster. Whoo boy, it’s gunna be more fun than chasin’ badgers with a stick, I bet. It’ll pop you up and down, throwin’ your body all aboot.”

There are also plans to include a Virtual Reality center that will feature the latest technology. One of the first VR games to debut will be the “Virtual Hockey Game” which developers say “is just like watching a real live hockey game.” Visitors will also have the chance to become their favorite character from the Canadian TV show “Degrassi Jr. High.”

A video arcade will serve as a meeting point with such games as “Whack-A-Mole” where the object is to whack Tom Green in the nut and “Headin’ South” a game where you act as American investors and relocate Canadian sports teams south of the border.

Along with the games and rides, Canadian wildlife and scenery will be represented through giant murals painted on the sides of the building.

“Boy, just thinkin’ aboot all the possibilities sends shivers down my spine, eh. We’re making plans for a Canada Rocks ride where the people can see all of the great Canadian musicians, like Rush, Loverboy and Corey Hart, eh. It’ll be great, don’tcha know?” Tobberman said. “Oh, and then there’s gunna be the Molson Food court where everything has the distinct taste of Canada’s own Molson beer, and the Kids In The Hall Daycare Center. Ohhh, this is gunna be fun, eh?”

Citizens in and around Montreal have so far been supportive of the park. There has only been one critic to come forward against the proposed park.

“It’s a damn travesty is what it is. I don’t know what its all aboot and why they think this will work. And isn’t it ‘spose to be done in like 2050 or something like that? I know Canadians are laid back and all, but that’s a damn long time to wait for this stupid amusement thingy. To hell with them I say,” Lance Hendrickson, Quebec senator said.

The Park is scheduled to break ground in August with a grand opening date slated for 2023. Due to the Canadian climate, the park is expected to be open only from May 6 through July 23.

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