WASHINGTON, DC – Republican members of congress have condemned a science project from 4th grader Jakob Bistrup that hypothesizes too much heat and not enough water can kill plants.
“(Bistrup’s science project) is just another example of junk science that democrats are trying to convince us all that it’s true so they can shut down all our cars and coal factories,” said Republican Senator, Ron Nillwest of Iowa. “Last time I checked a plant needs both sun and water to live and when has too much water or too much sun ever caused a problem? Never. I was just in Hawaii and it seems to be doing fine and it has plenty of both. Look at the rainforests. They are doing better than ever. Jakob and his liberal science teachers should be ashamed of themselves. I hope he gets an F and his parents ground him for three months. With no Atari!”
Bistrup’s experiment consisted of three parts – one plant that received a normal amount of water and heat, a plant that received a normal amount of heat but too much water, and a plant that received a normal amount of water but too much heat. Of the three plants, the only one to survive was the plant that received a normal amount of water and light.
“I just put one plant under, uh… um, heat lamp for too much time, and I uh… put… one… um, under, I mean, in like a normal window and watered it and stuff and I, uh… um, I, uh, poured a lot of water on another one for a long time,” said Bistrup. “Then I made some note cards and brought it to school. Two of the plants, uh… died. But I guess that’s ok. My mom helped.”
Republicans say the experiment is another in a long list of “make believe scare tactics designed to get people to believe the environment is in danger. ”
“So now the sun and water is bad for everyone? Since when? I see the sun every day. I drink water and swim in water every day. I seem to be doing just fine. Fine, just fine,” said Republican Senator, Barry Winston of Alabama. “Well, Liberals like Bistrup will stop at nothing will they? Let me guess, the next thing they will try to convince us is bad is… the American Flag. That if you’re exposed to the American flag your balls are going to shrivel up and fall off. Well I can tell you Mr. Bistrup, I wear American flag underwear everyday and my balls are like that of a 20 year old and I will prove it to anyone who says otherwise. We need to stop this junk science.”
The experiment was conducted over four weeks during which no data was collected. The only evidence Bistrup presented as part of his science fair entry was the three plants.
“I for one would like to see (Bistrup’s) data. Why can’t we see his data? What’s he hiding?” said Republican Representative, Keenan Hoy of Missouri. “(Liberals) are always trying to push science off as fact. Well, if it’s a fact that too much water and too much heat kills plants than how can you explain cactuses? Huh? How do you explain Seaweed? Seaweed lives in water. There. That’s all the proof I need. Besides, The Bible clearly says that heat and water are good so (Bistrup) is wrong and going to hell.”
Bistrup’s experiment was included in the Marshall Elementary School science fair. The fair was attended by several members of congress as part of a public relations campaign.
“I just thought it was neat,” Bistrup said. “My mom said that I… uh… um, I should plant carrots because if they survive, we can eat them. I like carrots, they taste really good. We had the carrots… they ones that um, that lived for dinner one night.”
Bistrup’s experiment, which was the experiment closest to the door, was the only science fair entry that caused a controversy even though one of the other science fair projects provided proof that god does not exist.