LOS ANGELES, CA –Rich, white men from across the country say they are getting sick and tired of being exposed as racists.
“I’m sick and damn tired of people finding out that I’m a racist! I can’t even use the ‘N’ word in the privacy of my own house anymore,” said millionaire Roderick Bennington. “What good is having all of this money if you can’t undermine and subjugate those you perceive as being less than you? I didn’t work hard at inheriting all this money for nothing! But now, I can’t even talk to my mistress without fear of her telling the world that I called that stupid Chink at the Panda Express a Chink. That is just straight B.S.?”
Several rich, white men are considering legal methods to protect themselves from being exposed as a racist.
“It’s not fair that people find out that rich, white men like myself are racist,” said Reed Prescott. “Just to protect myself from being identified as the horribly racist and shitty person I am, I am forcing everyone I come in to contact with to sign a non-disclosure agreement. So if someone does tell someone that I’m a horribly racist and shitty person, I’ll take them for everything they’ve got. And then I’ll be more rich. And probably more racist.”
In the past several years several prominent rich, white men have been exposed as being racists, most recently Donald Sterling, owner of the Los Angeles Clippers.
“Back in the day, before cell phones became all the rage, a man could do and say whatever they wanted in the privacy of his own homes and no one would be the wiser,” said C. W. Rothberg. “I remember the days when Rush Limbaugh, Mel Gibson and I would have such wonderful parties at Paula Deen’s place… but those days are long gone now. Now everyone has a camera and a recorder right in their pockets so you have to be on your toes. Just last week I told this 20-year-old that I’m banging that I didn’t want the smelly Wops to come in and clean the hotel room. I got scared because of the whole Sterling thing, but luckily she was tied up so I knew that she wasn’t recording anything.”
Many of the rich, white men are also surprised that the country doesn’t already know that they are racists.
“That was a pretty big shock to me,” said Real Estate mogul and Billionaire Sal Quinn. “I mean you would think that everyone would know, but I guess not. I mean think about it. We’re rich, we’re white, we’re old. When have you not met a person in any one of those categories that wasn’t at least a little racist? When you put all of those together, you get super, ultra racist. It’s just common sense. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go pay that cute little Redskin girl to dance for me while I masturbate onto a photo of Beyoncé.”
As their racism continues to be exposed, many of the rich, white men are looking to other ideas and beliefs that they can adopt.
“I know most of us have already started pretty strongly down the misogyny road but I think there is new ground we can lay in the cat lovers versus dog lovers,” said Hubert J. Ferrnistrom. “I know that one kinda seems weird but think about it. People really love their pets and if we, as rich, white men came out against, let’s say, cat lovers, just think of the power of that! There are a ton of cat lovers out there and there is a lot of ways we, the rich, white men of this country can work to undermine and oppress cat lovers.”