ABUJA, Nigeria – In what is being seen by many as a “last ditch effort” to find the kidnapped Nigerian schoolgirls, the United States has committed a new group to aid in finding the young girls. The group, made up entirely of pedophiles, will aid the local authorities in tracking down the missing girls.
“When you think about it, who better to utilize to find a bunch of young girls than a group of guys that really want to find young girls,” said Vice President Joe Biden. “Now before you get all up in arms, no, we will not let any of these perverts get anywhere near the girls. They’re just going to aid in the locating of the girls. That’s all. Think of it like this… If you want a good doughnut, who are you going to ask? A fat person. When you want to find a young girl, or in this case a bunch of young girls, who you gonna call? She what I mean?”
The group, consisting of 17 registered sex offenders, will leave the US in early June and will return, if all goes as planned, as soon as the girls are returned home.
“When the pedos get there, we’re going to set them up with a team of Marines and send them out to track down the girls,” said Darren Winthrop, head of the operation, codenamed “Sick Sonsofbitches.” “The idea is that if left to their own devices, one of these guys is going to find the girls. They’ll be drawn to them like a moth to a flame. And once we can find them, we can rescue them and send these sick fucks back to the hole that they crawled out of. I’m talking about the pedos, not the kidnappers. Sure, they can go to hell too, but the pedos really need to go to hell.”
The military is taking several steps to ensure the pedophiles are not allowed to touch or even see the girls once the girls have been located.
“All those sick pieces of shit will be chained, literally, to a marine,” said Winthrop. “If or when the girls are found the sick pieces of shit will immediately be tranquilized, bagged and removed from the operation. If, somehow one of these freaks does get close enough to the girls to touch one, he will be put down. That is non-negotiable.”
While on the mission the pedophiles will be on a relatively short leash, those involved are excited about the opportunity to help.
“I like girls,” said one of the sick perverts.
Despite the fact that this might be that last chance to find any of the girls, many people are completely opposed to the operation.
“Man fuck those sick fucks,” said Peter MecNeil, father of three. “First of all every single one of those assholes should have their dicks dissolved in acid. Then they should be put in a hole that makes the one Saddam was found in look like the fucking Marriott. Every single person that fucks with a kid should never see the light of day again. I don’t care if they can find the girls, those child molesting pieces of shit should all be dead now.”
Despite the outrage, many inside the government feel that this is the only option left.
“I know. I know. I really do. But… the situation is already fucked up. And look, I don’t want to give these assholes a break, but really, what other choice do we have?” Biden said.