COLUMBUS, OH – According to reports released by the U.S. State Department, Russian military forces are now poised just outside a local boy’s bedroom in what appears to be preparations for an invasion.
“We cannot confirm how many forces have been staged outside of Timmy Couch’s bedroom, but we can say that the amount appears to be a lot,” said Secretary of State, John Kerry. “There are a lot of Russian military units staged outside Timmy’s door, a lot outside his window and, well, basically there are a lot of Russians surrounding his entire house. These military units are very heavily armed. We can’t say how armed but they appear to be a lot armed. With a lot of guns. And probably some anti-matter ray guns and repulser cannons, but we cannot confirm that.”
In addition to an increasing number of armed military members posted on the border of Timmy’s bedroom, Russia has been supplying local bullies with advanced weaponry.
“At this time, though we have no visual confirmations, or intelligence network has provided evidence that the Russians have given Billy Tanner access to various weapons of mass destruction including, but not limited to Purple Nurples and Atomic Wedgies,” Kerry said. “Again, we do not have 100% confirmation on this, but we believe that our intelligence can be trusted. Our source said that the Russians have been meeting with Tanner everyday at 3:00 pm under the monkey bars.”
Russia’s military buildup outside Timmy’s bedroom comes at a time with tensions between Russia and the rest of the world are running high due to Russia’s annexation of the Crimea region of Ukraine and continued military presence along the border of Ukraine.
“Right now, we have no idea what (Russia) is going to do next,” said Jacob Dunsburry, Ambassador to Russia. “The whole Crimea thing kinda came out of nowhere and we had no idea that (Couch) was on (Russia’s) radar. Our intelligence said that they would most likely be targeting Candice Forran over on Oak Street, but thus far, they’ve left her alone.”
While it’s unclear if the build up outside Timmy’s bedroom is related to Russia’s interests in Crimea and Ukraine, foreign policy experts speculate that Russian President Vladimir Putin may not be interested in Timmy’s bedroom but something inside Timmy’s bedroom.
“According to our intelligence, (Couch) has a lot of ‘cool shit’ in his room,” Kerry said. “These items are said to be of an ‘extremely awesome’ nature. These things may include a Playstation 4 and an X-Box One as well as 37 game between the systems. Couch also has a fish tank and over 150 vintage comic books that were given to him by his grandfather. We feel that Russia may be trying to take control of one of these things, though at this time we are unsure of which item is their focus.”
The White House has condemned the Russia’s presence outside Timmy’s bedroom and has threated “sever sanctions” if Russian soldiers cross the border in to the bedroom.
“The US will not stand by as Putin and the Russian army seize control of another piece of land,” said President Barak Obama. “If a Russian soldier so much as puts the tip of his boot in Couch’s room will place the heaviest of sanctions on Russia. We will stop the flow of jeans, Ax Body Spray and action movies.”
As of press time, Timmy Couch has been unavailable for comment, but is said to not be “scared of a bunch of funny looking ugly losers with no friends.”