Tragedy Overwhelms Kennedy Family

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BOSTON, MA – It seems that when tragedy strikes, it usually hits the way the Mob does, slow and painful, like a gun shot up the rectum. This week, the nation mourns the death of yet another Kennedy family member. Milton C. Winestien-Kennedy has died at the age of 48. A wife, Bunny Winestien-Kennedy, and two children, son Harvey and daughter Allia survive him.

Milton C. Winestien-Kennedy is the second Kennedy to loose his life in as many months bringing a tremendous amount of grief to this already despondent family.

Before his death, Milton was a successful pawnshop owner and well known daredevil in Evansville, Indiana. Though he is not a Kennedy by birth, Milton had the prestigious name bestowed upon him when he was joined in holy matrimony with the lovely Bunny. Before their marriage it was agreed that Milton and his wife would combine their last names in a show of equality.

Bunny, a third cousin, four times removed, to John F. Kennedy Jr., was said to be very distraught over the death of her dear husband and her very dear and famous and wealthy pseudo-cousin.

Milton was killed as the van he was driving smashed through the wall of Kinsdale Elementary School. The van barreled through a second grade classroom during nap-time killing 12 students, their teacher Mr. Albert Stevenson and a custodian who at press time was so horrible disfigured he/she was unidentifiable. Milton’s body was recovered from the van’s wreckage along with an unidentified woman. It is not clear as to the identity of the woman, where she came from and why Milton wasn’t wearing pants. Bunny, who was in Los Angeles at the time of the accident, could not be reached for comment.

Before the accident many eyewitnesses say that Milton was in his usually high spirits weaving back and forth across the street waving and shouting to every one he saw as he made his way home from Jackson’s Bar.

Though never having actually met Milton, Sen. Ted Kennedy released a statement today in regards to this tragedy.

“Melvin, one of the most beloved of all my family is now gone. I will always remember Charles as the shinning light of the Kennedy family. His family is in all of our hearts on this most tragic of days. God bless you Zachary and rest in peace,” Ted Kennedy said.

Last month the world was stunned when the body of the beloved John Kennedy Jr. was pulled from the water just seven miles of the coast of Martha’s Vineyard. While the deaths seem to be unrelated, Oliver Stone has been called into investigate.

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