Scared Parents Plan to Make Halloween Safe

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Parents in an Omaha neighborhood are using technology to keep their kids safe this Halloween.
Parents in an Omaha neighborhood are using technology to keep their kids safe this Halloween.

OMAHA, NB – With suburban white fear at an all-time high, parents across the country are approaching Halloween differently this year, hoping to make sure nothing bad happens to their children.

“It has never been a more dangerous time to be a white Christian,” said Gwen Stringer. “With everything that’s going on with those ISIS people, all the abductions, and the those people… I mean, the situation in Ferguson, oh and let’s not forget Ebola! How can we let our kids out of our sight? We can’t. We have to hold on to them. Tight. And we have to never, ever, ever, never let them go outside. Ever. We have to keep ‘em close and pray.”

This year Stringer and her neighbors will be taking their kids off the streets and opting for a technological approach to trick-or-treating. Instead of taking their kids door to door, Stringer plans on sending a wheeled robot to homes in the neighborhood. The robot will have both an iPad and candy bucket attached.

“The robot with the iPad thingy will still let our kids experience trick-or-treating but they won’t have to leave our house!” said Stringer. “My husband is a defense contractor and he borrowed some robot drone thingies from the office and we attached an iPad to it and we’ll just use facetime so everyone can see how cute my little peach is in her ‘Frozen’ costume. And my little peach will be able to see people see how adorable she is and will hear everyone tell her how beautiful she looks. And there will be a bucket so people can give my little darling some candy.”

On the other side of town another family is taking a different approach.

“My wife told me about all the dangers our little treasures will face out there this Halloween, so, what I’ve done is build them a bulletproof, glass box that our kids can stay in while we take them door to door using a forklift I borrowed from work,” said Dan Somerset. “The glass will let my perfect little girl still go trick-or-treating but she will be 100% safe. And everyone in the neighborhood will still be able to see how cute she is dressed up like ‘Frozen.’ I’ve made some other boxes for some of our neighbors and I’m thinking about selling them on the internets next year. Or at Cabela’s.”

The most expensive and plan to protect children this year is taking place in the Linden Estates area.

Residents of Linden Estates have built a replica of the neighborhood in a warehouse. On Halloween parents will enter the warehouse and trick-or-treat with their children.

“It may sound like we’ve gone overboard but can you go over board when there is a very real chance that your child may come across someone that isn’t white? Yeah, I said it. We are all thinking it so I might as well just say it!” said Rod Hellman. “But it’s not just minorities that we have to worry about. It’s also gays, child molesters, democrats, the people that read those Harry Potter books, handicaps, homeless, and of course atheists. So we built our own town that we can legally keep people out of. The people who pass the backround check and can get inside will be able to trick-or-treat and they’ll also be able to see how cute my little girl looks in her ‘Frozen’ costume.”

According to Hellman, in order to get in to the warehouse a person must pass a thorough background check. And even inside an armed police officer will be stationed at each of the fake houses in case of an incident.

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