NEW YORK, NY – New York Yankees’ fans have been promised that retiring shortstop Derek Jeter will be taken upstate to live out the rest of his years on a farm.
The Yankees have made no official statement on Jeter’s future but several members of the Yankees organization have said publically Jeter will be taken to “a farm upstate.”
“I don’t know the details, those are way above me but what I do know is that no one is talking about having Jeter put down. This isn’t Jersey for crying out loud,” said Yankees Media Relations Manager, Robert Trullio. “I just know (Jeter’s) going to a farm somewhere upstate. I don’t know where and I don’t know which one but fans can rest assured that he will be able to live out the rest of his days happy, running through fields and eating flowers and surrounded by other players his age. He almost definitely probably won’t be made in to dog food or hunted for sport.”
Shortly after Jeter announced his retirement, Yankees’ fans began to wonder and worry about Jeter’s future once the baseball season ended.
“We know that he’s old and we are just worried that the (Yankees) will just, like sell him to Purina or some shit,” said lifetime Yankees fan, Gibby Sterling. “A player like that? He should get a better deal. He should be able to live out the rest of his years happy. You know? Like out on a farm somewheres doin’ the stud thing. Just banging softball players who are past their prime and making new little baseball and softball players. However it works, hell I don’t know. I’m a city guy. I don’t know anything about how farms and shit work.”
Fans worried that Jeter would be sold to a glue factory began writing letters to the Yankees’ business office asking the team to sell the player to a farm or a museum.
“We’ve received so many poorly-written letters from anxious fans who are worried that we are going to sell Jeter to Elmers Glue,” Yankees President of Baseball operations, Randy Levine said. “We almost certainly, probably won’t do that. That said, I cannot get into the specific details of where he is going, but just know that you will probably not be making art projects with a little bit of Jeter.”
Several high profile fans have contacted the team inquiring about purchasing the player but the Yankees have reportedly rejected the offers.
“I offered the Yankees $5,000 dollars for (Jeter) but they flat out rejected me,” said former Microsoft CEO and new Los Angeles Clippers owner Steve Balmer. “I thought that would be a huge marketing get to have someone like Jeter involved with my Clippers. I know that the kind of people who like basketball like Jeter a lot. Now don’t take that as a racial comment. I don’t want to be Sterlinged out soon quickly. I’m just saying that sports fans in general like a player like Jeter. You know, cus he’s black and so are they.”
As of press time Jeter was unavailable for comment. His representatives would only say “you and your pets will be seeing a lot more of (Jeter) in the months to come.”