WASHINGTON, DC – After reviewing reports of recent setbacks, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, Reince Priebus, has said he will soon authorize the use of troops and drones in the party’s war on women.
“No single battle has been a catastrophic loss but as these little failures start to pile up… women begin gaining confidence and we simply cannot have that,” said Priebus. “We need to get the women situation under control by any means necessary. We need to get women back in the kitchen, in church or at the very least in the hospital popping out another baby, and away from… well, everything else. Women need to be placed back under the direction of us white men for their own good. We are the only ones that know what’s right and best. This isn’t a war so much as it is a mercy mission. A mercy mission with a lot of casualties.”
The Republican’s war on women started in 2004 and victory is considered by many Republicans as essential to the Republican way of life.
“Think about it, no other group out there poses as big of a threat to us as the women,” said Senator Hank Walton, Republican from New Jersey. “You think the Gays can hurt us? Think again. The Satan Worshipers? Nope. What about the Nig… I mean Colored people? Not even them. No women have the vaginas so they think they have the power. That’s where we are now. But we will prove them wrong. Sure they may have the power of the vagina on their side but we got something that will trump them every time… religion.”
The Republican Party has at its disposal the private military company, Academi, formerly known as Blackwater, as well as every single male in Texas, Utah and Arizona.
“Our numbers are strong and more and more people are stepping up to join our cause every day,” said Utah Senator, Orrin Hatch. “Soon we’ll be able to take the fight to the women and take this country back. Once the fighting starts, it shouldn’t take very long to completely destroy them because, let’s face it, they are women. What are they going to do? Slap us? If you hit a man, there’s a good chance that he’ll be able to take it and dish out one to you just as good. But when you hit a woman, they just crumple to the ground and cry. Or pass out, I’ve seen it go both ways. But the fact of the matter is they are weak and easily crushed. Good thing for us they can’t get an education or join the military or get jobs. They what? Since when? Oh darn.”
The Coalition of Women released a statement stating that women in the United States do not fear men and are ready to fight for their rights.
“Women are smart. Women are strong. And women are sick and tired of white men telling them what to do,” the statement said. “These white men have been systematically working to take away every right from every woman in this country and we will not stand for it any longer. If we have to fight then we will fight. And we know Man’s weakness; his nuts. One kick to the nuts of every white man in this country and we win.”
While announcing that troops and drones are now an option, Priebus did not discuss or detail how either will be used.
“We can’t give away our attack plan! Women are not as smart as white men but they aren’t that dumb,” said Priebus. “If they happen to see or hear about our attack plan while they are watching those Hanger Games films or at the beauty salon, they might be able to come up with a defense strategy. If they aren’t too busy helping needy families, demanding equal pay, or looking up directions to abortion clinics. You know how they are! God damn, women are just so vile that it makes me sick!”