NORTH POLE – Several companies, including Apple and Mattel, have filed patent infringement lawsuits against Santa Claus.
The lawsuits claim that Claus is manufacturing and distributing toys that violate a number of patents. One toy cited in the lawsuit, Claus’s sPad, looks and functions very similar to Apple’s iPad.
“Have you seen this thing? It’s a blatant rip off of our device,” said Apple attorney, Thomas Widsore. “We counted and the sPad violates 531 different patents held by Apple. It’s like they’re not even trying to hide the fact that they’re using our product. The only difference is that the outer shell on the sPad has Santa’s logo instead of the familiar Apple logo. It’s disgusting if to ask me. I mean at least the Chinese try to make it look a little different when they knock off one of (Apple’s) products.”
In addition to the lawsuit, the companies have sent a cease and desist to Claus demanding that he stop making toys immediately.
“We can’t have kids running around out there enjoying a ‘GI Jon’ toy that was made in some sweatshop in the middle of the arctic and given to them by some fantastical fat man. That kid should have a GI Joe that was made in some sweatshop in Malaysia and given to them by parents who barely try anymore,” said Head of Toy Development for Mattel, Peter Monkley. “If parents knew that there was a cheaper version to our product out there they would never buy our stuff. We can’t have that. We’re here to make money not to let some fat fuck with a midget fetish steal our thunder. That’s not the American way.”
Claus and his team of lawyers maintain that no wrongdoing has been committed and that all products made by Claus and his staff of magical elf fairies do not violate any patents.
“I think it’s just a big misunderstanding. The sPad and the iPad are very different. The sPad has a ‘back home’ button while the iPad has a ‘home’ button,” Claus said. “And Mattel has the Transformers and we produce the Trans Formers. See, totally different. One line features giant robots that turn into vehicles, the other features vehicles that turn into giant robots. As far as all the other accusations go, we have rock solid period on our side, so we’re not worried. Besides, if the judges rule against us I’ll put them so far on the naughty list that their grandchildren’s grandchildren will still be on it.”
While companies have filed complaints against Claus in the past this is the first time a lawsuit has been submitted to the courts.
“This lawsuit seems like a no brainer and it’s a little surprising we haven’t seen this before. But I guess the main reason companies haven’t gone after (Claus) in the past is that he operates International waters,” said Yale Law Professor Hershel Garbutt. “But these are different times that we’re living in and we now have the legal recourse top goo after these people. I can tell you that a reckoning day is coming and old Saint Nick is going to wish he never left the North Pole. Because we’re going to win.”
While there are several companies involved in the lawsuit against Claus, there is at least one company that supports him; Lego.
“Our patent expired years ago so you know what? Fuck those assholes at Apple and Mattel,” said Lego spokesman Jorg Strommenson. “But if Claus makes a movie featuring Legos we will sue his fat ass.”