RENO, NV – For the 1,093rd year in a row Jesus Christ has not received a birthday gift or a call on his birthday from his father.
“It’s not really the lack of a gift that bugs me, you know? It’s just that he doesn’t even bother to call,” said Christ. “I know he knows it’s my birthday. He fucking knows everything. So he even knows that it hurts my feelings every year when he doesn’t call. I wonder if he thinks I’m too old for a birthday call. Or maybe he just likes seeing me miserable. Hell I don’t know. But he (knows). Like I said, he knows everything. So that makes it really sting.”
While he does occasionally talk to his father, Christ has spent the last 1,093 years waiting for a birthday call.
“Really, is it too much to ask for, a simple call?” Christ said. “It would literally take two minutes out of his day. ’Hey I, it’s your dad… just calling to say happy birthday.’ That’s all I want. But no, apparently he’s too busy watching chicks undress our whatever it is he does all fucking day. But it hurts, you know? I don’t know, some times I just feel like he doesn’t respect me or that he’s ashamed of me.”
Christ hasn’t spoken to his father about the issue but he has told his step-mother, Anna Nicole Smith, that all he wants is for his father to call him on his birthday.
“I’ve tried to get (God) to just pick up the phone but you know how he is,” Smith said. “(God) won’t even acknowledge what he’s doing. Last year I said to him ‘Isn’t there some one you need to call today and wish them a happy birthday?’ And you know what he said to me? ’George Clooney’s birthday isn’t till May, so I’m good.’ Can you believe that shit? I’m telling you… If he didn’t give such good head I would go find myself another sugar daddy.”
When asked about why he doesn’t call his son on his birthday, god replied “Really? With all the shit that’s going on in the world that’s what you want to ask me about? He’s a big boy. He wears big boy robes. Does he want me to chew his food for him? Huh? Is he that big of a pussy? Well, I’ll tell you the same god damned thing I told him! He needs to be a man. My daddy didn’t coddle me so I ain’t gonna coddle him. He needs to sack up and act like a man.”
Despite the strong words from his father, Jesus is hopeful that this is the year that things finally change.
“We’ll see what happens,” Christ said. “I’m just hoping that all this attention is going to make him see that what he’s doing is really hurtful. I mean I normally wouldn’t have gone to the media like this, I would have just bared this on my own, like I’ve done in the past, but I’m hoping that maybe this will be the thing that finally gets his attention, you know? But I don’t know, it hasn’t seemed to work with the Washington Redskins.”