SEATTLE, WA – White women across the country are in a state of panic as Starbucks has announced they will be discontinuing the popular Pumpkin Spice Latte, just weeks before the drink was to go on sale.
The drink, commonly referred to as a PSL, is one of the bestselling drinks the coffee chain has ever produced especially amongst white females between the ages of 15-55.
“Oh hell no, they did not just take away my PSL,” said Brittany Slone, 24 of Los Angeles. “I drink at least three of those a day when they are out. They can’t just cancel it. This is literally the worst thing to ever happen to me. I will burn down every mother fucking Starbucks I see till they bring it back. You think I’m kidding? I’m dead fucking serious. I’ve got a gas can, matches and everything. I’m also starting a new Twitter campaign that I think will be huge. Just look for #whitelattesmatter. They can’t do this to us and we will show them why.”
The shocking announcement comes just a few short weeks after Starbucks revealed that this year, for the first time ever the PSL would contain actual pumpkin.
“Yeah, we kind of blew our load on that one,” Blankshaw said. “The problem was that we hadn’t really tasted the new recipe yet when we sent out the press releases and, my god, the new shit was 100 times worse than the old shit. To top it all off, we had gotten rid of all the old stock, so that’s why we’re just calmly the whole thing off. Seriously, have you tried a PSL? It tastes like someone ate a bunch of cinnamon and nutmeg and then had diarrhea in a cup. The new stuff tastes just like that but with a hint of pumpkin.”
Despite the company’s instance that the drink is horrible, the PSL has a huge fan following,
“I’m shaking. I’m literally shaking. What am I gonna do? They can’t do this to me,” said Sandra Freemont. “Do you know where they are storing the pumpkin stuff? Come on and tell me. Hook me up damn it! I’ll suck yo dick!”
Woman across the country have started gathering in Seattle to protest and convince the coffee chain to keep the PSL on the menu.
“Please. You can’t take this away from me. It’s literally all I have. It’s the only thing that stops me from driving into the ocean every morning,” said mother of three, Wendy Shirtle. “Please. Please give this to me. I need it. I’ll do anything. ANYTHING!”
Even though the opposition to the move has been very vocal, Starbucks has said that they will stand firm on their position.
“There’s just nothing that we can do here,” said Ethan Kay, head of Starbucks Marketing. “We’re trying to come up with a new formula that doesn’t taste like someone ate a bunch of pumpkin pie and then threw up into a cup. But it’s been really hard. We are going to try and fix (the PSL) and we are going to try to fix everything we have on the menu because we know it’s all garbage. Have you tried our egg nog latte? Jesus Christ, that thing is just as bad as the PSL. Luckily we know what’s going on and we have several months to fix that abomination. But first, first, we need to fix the PSL so that it doesn’t taste like a homeless person that passed out on a rotten pumpkin.”