Woman Begins Mentally Preparing for Thanksgiving


COLUMBUS, OH – Local woman Rachel Connors will spend the next several weeks mentally preparing herself for Thanksgiving dinner with her family.

“If I don’t get myself mentally ready for Thanksgiving, I… a couple things might happen,” said Connors. “I will either blow my brains out, have a complete and total breakdown, suppress my feeling so hard that I actually destroy the emotional centers of my brain rendering myself a emotionless robot, or I will slap my mother and then that will turn in to a big thing and the family will implode. So I’m just going to go ahead and get myself mentally ready to deal with my family – specifically my mother. Fucking whore.”

According to Connors, the process of preparing for Thanksgiving dinner is vital to surviving a week at her parent’s home in Willis Creek, IN.

“Trust me, if you knew my family, especially my mother, you’d totally understand,” said Connors. “She’s so overbearing it’s not even funny. I mean as soon as I walk through the door the interrogation starts. It’s like ‘how are you?’ and ‘how’s work?’ and I’m like ‘God damnit mother, get off my fucking back. I think she’s just butt hurt that I called her a whore after she caught me smoking in high school. Fucking whore.”

To prepare, Connors will meditate for one hour a night, spend three hours a week in sensory overload therapy, and practice answering or deflecting personal questions.

“I need to be able to deal with the ‘why don’t you have a boyfriend?’ or ‘what happened to that Indian boy you were seeing?’ or ‘when are you going to settle down and have children?’ questions because those are going to come hard and come fast the second dinner starts,” said Connors. “Literally, every time. Don’t even get me started on the comments about my weight. Sure she may be saying that I look great but I can totally hear the sarcasm in her voice. Fuck you mom, it’s your fault that I have so many problems with my eating habits. Fucking whore.”

Connors started mentally preparing herself in advance of Thanksgiving several years ago after one Thanksgiving holiday left her an emotional wreck for more than three months.

“A couple years ago Thanksgiving dinner was literally a nightmare… I don’t even want to talk about it, but so far things have worked out with the preparing,” said Connors. “Sure every year has been horrible but, every year, with more preparation, it’s less of a nightmare. One of these years I’m going to find the balance and it’ll be tolerable. As long as my mother doesn’t start taking lessons about how to be a bigger fucking whore. I wouldn’t put it past her. Fucking whore.”

Connors parents are unaware of Connors’ mental preparations and, in general, think everything is “just fine.”

“Oh it’s so nice when my little girl comes home to visit,” said Connors’ mother, Shirley Steinbergh. “We hardly ever get to see her these days, what with her big job in the city. We really couldn’t be more proud of her. Our special little girl. I suspect that she has a man in her life too, but I’m not sure, she never tells me anything. Of course, it is hard for her to say anything with all this dicks in her mouth. Did I mention that my daughters a slut? Fucking slut.”


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