Toy Magazine Releases 2015’s List of Hottest Toys

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Star Wars Rocks and Sticks is this year's hottest toy.
Star Wars Rocks and Sticks is this year's hottest toy.

NEW YORK, NY – Toy Aficionado magazine has released its annual “Best toys” list to aide parents looking for the best and hottest toys this holiday season. The list features a number of new toys as well as a couple “old favorites.”

Here are the top 10 hottest toys according to Toy Aficionado:

Star Wars Rocks and Sticks ($49.99)
“This season is all about Star Wars,” said Toy Aficionado magazine Senior Editor Hal Sweera. “Star Wars has put its name on just about everything. And while the action figures and Lego sets may get a lot of attention, the best Star War toy is actually the Rocks and Sticks set. It’s literally a bucket full of rocks and sticks – some with Star Wars stickers on them. Kids across the country will just love swinging these sticks around, trying to poke each other’s eyes out. And these rocks… these are good, high quality rocks. If you hit a car windshield with one of these rocks it would be pretty cool.”

Little Asshole: Trump Supporter ($29.99)
“The popular Little Asshole sets get an update this year with a Donald Trump Supporter set,” said Sweera. “The kit comes with a toy smart phone with racist Twitter messages on the screen, a sign that says ‘scared, white and pissed’, a squeaky toy book of ‘100 facts that aren’t really true but Donald says they are true so I believe them,’ and a trucker hat that says ‘Trump 2017.’”

A gun ($400-$20,000)
“Let’s face it, guns are here to stay and with this world getting crazier and crazier… well, you might as well just give your kid a gun,” said Sweera. “Why not? All the other kids seem to have access to an unlimited number of horrible weapons capable of mass death so you might as well give your kid one. There is an added benefit – as we see from Hollywood – guns just make everyone cooler.”

Pony ($3,000)
“This is a old favorite but this year ponies are hotter than ever since breeders have started to genetically alter the ponies,” said Sweera. “You can pretty much customize your pony now. You can get one that’s blue, one that has sparkly skin, one that has no mouth but three noses. Granted the life span of these new genetically modified ponies is about three months, but kids get tired of toys fast so there’s really not too much to worry about there. Except disposing of the pony carcass. But that’s not my expertise.”

Fart Jar ($3.99)
“Fart Jars are just a ton of fun,” said Sweera. “The basic premise is that you take a fart jar, open it up, fart in it, seal it back up real quick and then give it to someone to open. Almost endless entertainment here. Really, it’s the gift that keeps on giving. Oh, that reminds me, here… I have this jar for you. There is candy inside so go head and open it up.”

My First Stapler ($34.99)
“This toy is actually just a normal stapler. Nothing really special going on here but kids like being treated like adults and what is more adult than a stapler?” said Sweera. “To be honest, I’m not sure why this one is so popular this year but you don’t want to be the only parent that doesn’t get their kid a stapler. And in a couple days, when your kids get sick of the stapler you can steal while putting together your divorce paperwork.”

Netflix and Chill the video game ($69.99) “Forget Fallout, this season’s hottest game is Netflix and Chill,” said Sweera. “The game is rated ‘Mature’ but that has never stopped any parent from giving their kids a video game. This is hands down the best role playing game ever created. And it’s really simple to get into. But the thing is, while its easy to play, it’s hard to master. I mean a toddler can get to first base but only a dedicated gamer can truly ‘Netflix and Chill.’ And by that I mean computer generated fucking with Netflix on in the background.”

GlitterBombomb ($19.99)
“This is a good one. You know how little kid’s bedrooms look like a bomb went off in them? Well now you can buy them a bomb to set off in their bedroom,” said Sweera. “This bomb is pretty powerfull and it’s full of glitter so girls will really enjoy this one. All you have to do is set it in the middle of the room, light the fuse and boom! The room is a disaster zone with toys and clothes and glitter everywhere. It’s fun.”

Fun Bags ($78.99)
“This toy for tottlers is a fun little plastic bag with cartoon faces on the bag that the kids can put over their heads and pretend to be someone else,” said Sweera. “We all want to be someone else – even tottlers. I wish every day of my life that I was someone else. Every. Damn. Day. Too bad the bags don’t fit adults.”

Beanie Babies ($34.99)
“Yes, Beanie Babies are back!” said Sweera. “So you should go online and then go to eBay and then search for user SweeraTastic and then buy all of their Beanie Babies so that he can finally get rid of that huge mistake. The 90s… what even happened to us back then? But yeah, go to eBay and find SweeraTastic and buy all my… um, his Beanie Babies because they are the best toy. The best toy that every single kid would want.”

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