NORTH POLE – After a year in which there was only one “nice” child, Santa Claus says he will officially retire.
“I think… no, I know that I’m retiring from delivering gifts to children on Christmas,” said Claus. “It just isn’t worth my time to make all these toys and fly around the world when there are only a couple kids that have been nice. This year there was only one kid that was nice and she wasn’t even really that nice. Oh well. Most kids don’t believe in my anyways so… fuck ‘em. Yeah, that’s right. I said ‘fuck ‘em.’ Now that I’m retired I don’t have to pretend to be jolly anymore. I can be just as angry and shitty and naughty as the rest of the world. And you know what? It feels good. It feels real fucking good to not be jolly all the time.”
According to Claus, the number of “nice” children has dropped sharply in the past several years. Last year only 20 children were listed as “nice” on Claus’ list.
“Back in the 80s there were a ton of kids on my ‘nice’ list but then the 90s came and everything went to hell,” said Claus. “I blame rap music. That and parents that told their children that they were special and never punished their children for being little… assholes. Man it feels good to say naughty words. In the past couple years though I’ve only given gifts to a handful of kids and it doesn’t make sense to go through this whole rigmarole for a couple kids. So… screw it, I’m out. I’m like Kobe (Bryant), getting out while the getting’s good.”
The only child on Claus’ nice list, Cindy Lou Who, is “sad” that Claus is retiring but said she understands.
“I’m sad, Santa was going to bring me a pony,” Who said. “But all the naughty kids made it so that I can’t have one. Now I hate them. I hate them all. I hope they die. Especially Billy. I hope he dies tonight.”
Few have been surprised by Claus’ retirement announcement.
“Yeah, I get it. The world has gone to shit and everyone now has a hard edge to them,” said Jesus Christ, life long friend to Clause. “Things may change here in the next few years, and at that point, maybe (Santa) comes back. But till then, shit, I told him to just take it easy. Drink some beers, pound some gash. Hell, do whatever he wants to. He’s free, man.”
Claus said he doesn’t have any immediate plans now that he is retired but he said he hopes to visit Italy since he’s never been.
“It’s weird, there was never a good kid in Italy,” Clause said. “Maybe it was because of all the mob influence, I don’t know. We’ll find out soon. I hear the beaches are nice so that will be a good place to visit.”