CLEVELAND, OH – With ratings falling for the fourth consecutive year, the National Basketball Association has announced that it will make sweeping changes to how games are played beginning next season.
Perhaps the biggest change will be to the overall structure of the game. Instead of four 12-minute quarters, an NBA basketball game will last five minutes with each team starting at 98 points.
“In recent years, (the last five minutes ) is the only part of the game that people actually watch,” said NBA Commissioner Adam Silver. “So we figured that we’d give the public what they want and just fast forward to the really good part. Let’s face it, 90% of a basketball game is boring as hell. In fact, in my opinion, the whole game is shit, but that’s just me. When we remove most of the game and each game becomes a sudden death scenario, people will really get into it. The drama. The intrigue. The sweaty black guys. That will all be represented in spades. And no, that was not a racist comment. It’s a real saying, look it up.”
The NBA will be the first professional sport to start teams with points but according to league officials, the guaranteed points mean that each game will still be high-scoring.
“Starting each team with 98 points will keep the high scoring, fast action that our fans have come to love,” said Sacramento Kings owner Vivek Ranadivé. “People hate soccer and hockey because each team only scores once or twice. American’s don’t want a 1-0 game. They want a 120-106 game. Sure most of those points aren’t really earned but fans don’t care. In fact, they probably won’t even notice.”
Although there will only be five minutes of game time, each game will still last three hours with non-gameplay time filled with videos of slam dunks.
“Personally, I think it’s a really smart move,” said Harvard Sociology and Sports Professor, Pitor Razzamas. “You take the one thing about a sport that everyone likes, in this case the dunking, and you extend that to a point that will still get you plenty of ad revenue. Then, right about the time the viewer gets tired of the dunking, bam, you have a quick five minutes and you’re done. I would totally watch that even though I think basketball is the worst sport there is. I mean I would rather watch city league senior badminton that watch an NBA game.”
Another change to the game will be a rule exemption for star players.
“This isn’t really ‘new’ since it’s been practice for years but the stars of the game can do whatever they want and the rules won’t apply to them,” said Silver. “The only real change here is that we’re fully admitting it now. There’s no more hiding it. We even ran it past LeBron (James) and he was cool with the changes so we are just going to go ahead and move forward with all these changes.”
Several of the players support the new rule changes and are looking forward to next season.
“Did (LeBron) ok all this? He did? Oh, then I’m good. Whatever,” said a basketball player that wasn’t LeBron James. “As long as (LeBron) is good I’m good. Like it matters what I think anyways.”
Silver expects the fans to welcome the new changes with open arms.
“Fans have become rather complacent with the game and they just aren’t watching it as they once were,” said Silver. “For a long time, we had them hooked, with the likes of Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant, you know, all the razzle and dazzle. Now you look at our ‘stars.’ LeBron James? He’s a little bitch. Stephen Curry? That other guy? Here’s the thing… I’m commissioner of the damn league and I can’t name more than two players in it. That’s why fans aren’t watching anymore. It’s just not exciting. But now it will be exciting.”