Student Upset He Didn’t Get Chance to Riot

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Duke University Basketball team's loss at the National Championship cost student Tyson Whitman the change to riot

CHAPEL HILL, NC – Duke University student, Tyson Whitman, has expressed his disappointment and frustration that the Duke University basketball team failed to win the NCAA Basketball Championship, thus eliminating any chance Whitman had at participating in an associated riot.

Whitman says he has been looking forward to participating in a championship riot since he was a child.

“(Rioting after a championship) is all I’ve ever wanted in life. It’s why I came to Duke,” said Whitman. “My brother went to (University of) Kentucky a couple years ago and got to riot when they won. I want to riot. It’s not fair that Tristan got to riot and I don’t get to. Bullshit! I was told that Duke had a pretty good team this year. Obviously fucking not. Those assholes sucked! I could have done a better job out there than they did, and then we could have rioted.”

Duke University won the NCAA Basketball Championship in 2015, spurring Whitman’s decision to enroll at the university.

“What the fuck, man? (Duke University Men’s Basketball team) won last year and then I get here and they don’t even make the final four. Bullshit! I want to riot!” said Whitman. “I’m white. The chances that we get to riot are pretty much limited to sports, and then something like this happens and that’s it. No fucking riot. This is complete bullshit. Everyone else gets to riot! I want to riot! It’s my right as an American!”

Duke University President, Richard H. Brodhead, apologized to Whitman and said he would do everything in his power to make sure Whitman has the opportunity to riot next year.

“We know that students have many choices when it comes to what school they attend and for the students that choose to come here, we want them to get the full student experience,” Brodhead said. “We apologize to Mr. Whitman, and all of the other students and promise that we are doing our best to scour the country for the best prospects that will ensure our students can riot for years to come.”

Despite Brodhead’s promise, Whitman is considering transferring to another school in the hopes of participating in a riot.

“I might transfer to Clemson, whatever the hell that is,” said Whitman. “Their football team is supposed to be real good next year so maybe I’ll transfer there and riot next year.”

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