COLUMBUS, OH – In an effort to prevent voter fraud, the Ohio State Senate has approved sweeping changes to voting laws including requiring voters to have a gold-plated voter ID card.
“It’s proven fact that the only way we can guarantee a fraud free election is if we institute a voter ID rule,” said Ohio Attorney General, Mike DeWine. “And to entice people to get voter ID cards we thought we’d make them out of gold. Nice. Real nice. Sure, they are really, I mean really, expensive but voting is worth it, don’t you think?”
In addition to the new gold-platted ID cards, voting booths will be set up in remote areas of Ohio only accessible by boat or helicopter. Voters will also have to know the password to get in to the voting booth. The password will only be sent out via telegraph lines to stock ticker tape machines.
“Unfortunately, this is what it’s come down to these days,” said Bill Willamette, Ohio State Senator said. “With all these reports of fraud going around during the primaries, we feel that we owe it to the people of Ohio to do the right thing and make sure their votes count. You’ve heard all about the fraud right? Because there has definitely been fraud. I can’t believe you haven’t heard about it. It’s been happening literally everywhere. Fraud. Everywhere. With these new regulations we can make sure only hard working, rich, white people can vote. I mean We sure add hell don’t want any darkies… I mean fraudies voting. No, that would mess things up.”
Supports say the new laws are required to keep voting integrity.
“Take a look at all that fraud in Arizona. Take a look at the fraud in Hawaii. Take a look at several other states and you keep hearing the same thing… Voter fraud. It’s everywhere!” said Pierre Weber, Statistician for the Ohio Republican Party. “People are upset, and they have every right to be. Strange things are afoot at polling places. Get it? That was a Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure reference. But instead of saying the strange things were afoot at the Circle K, I said ‘polling places.’ See what I did there? Anyway, yeah, things are all kinds of screwy and we’ll be damned if we’re going to let the same types of shenanigans go on here in Ohio.”
Many Ohio citizens are upset by the new laws, saying that they are meant to keep a large percentage of voters away from the voting booth.
“What they, and by they I mean anyone who is involved with these new laws, aren’t telling people is that you have to fly your own damn helicopter to the polling places,” said Tyrone Woods, 27, Cincinnati resident. “How many people you know have they own helicopter? I only know two, Jimmy and Ray Ray from over on 24th. So out of all the people I know, those are the only two mutha fuckin’ people that can vote. Ain’t right. Me? I’d like to vote for Bernie Sanders, but no, I ain’t got a damn helicopter. Sure I could rent one, but shit, that’s just dumb.”
Despite protests, officials claim that this is the only way to keep the integrity of the system.
“With these new regulations, we know that the people voting are who they say they are,” said Willamette. “And this is just the beginning. I can see several other states passing similar laws. We are on track to having the first ever 100% voter turnout. That’s unheard of! Yet as of right now, that’s how we’re looking. Of course we only have three registered voters at the moment, but I’m sure by November we’ll have a few more than that.”
The new rules will go in to effect on July 1, well before the Presidential election later this year.