SANTA FE, NM – Anthropologists are excited by recently discovered cave drawings that they say prove that the earliest inhabitants of North America were terrible artists.
“Look, look, look here. See this picture? And this one? Tell me what that is a drawing of,” said anthropologist Walter Zubris. “I have been staring at these pictures for months and I have no idea what the hell it is I’m looking at. A bison? A duck? Look, look, look. The composition is terrible, the use of colors is disastrous. I’ve literally known children that could draw better than this. But at the same time this is exciting because now we know, early Americans couldn’t draw for shit. That’s important… Probably.”
Zubris and a team of anthropologists and archeologist discovered the cave drawings outside Gallop, NM. The drawings are estimated to be well over 3,000 years old.
“You would think that, just like today, there would be at least a few people that could actually draw back then,” Zubris said. “Where’s the ancient Rembrandt? I mean the more ancient Rembrandt. Hell, where’s the ancient Jackson Pollack? The quality that we’re dealing with here is insane. I mean I could look at a buffalo and draw a picture of something that actually resembles a buffalo. These people… They couldn’t. It’s kind of sad really.”
Anthropologists across the country have long speculated that early Americans were terrible artists but final proof was needed. That final proof came from the cave drawings in New Mexico.
“What these drawings do is put the proverbial nail in the coffin,” said University of Alabama Dean of Anthropology Kay Marie Boyle. “We now have examples of ‘art’ from every known group of our early American ancestors. And every single example of ‘art,’ especially this newest one, suck. Garbage. Early Americans were garbage artists. That exciting to finally say out loud with confidence.”
Despite the fact that most anthropologists agree that early Americans were terrible artists, many artists have come to the defense of the early artists.
“Take a look at this one,” said abstract artist Cody Boulder. “Now to you it may look like a fat horse, but me, I see a cry for help. This artist obviously felt ashamed that he was a little fatter than his peers and he was conveying that feeling through his art. See the fat horse represents him and this purple blob is obviously his mom telling him that abstract art is a bullshit career choice and that he would become a dermatologist like his brother. And he’s saying ‘Fuck you mom, my art is my passion.’ At least that’s how I’m reading it.”
With this latest discovery, many anthropologists agree that these latest discoveries will now force a change to how these “art” sites are preserved.
“For the longest time we fought to keep these sites exactly as they are in order to study them and figure out what they mean,” Zubris said. But now? Fuck them. They are no better than a shitty drawing that a seven-year-old writes on his schools wall. We don’t worry about preserving that, so why should we do any different to these shitty drawing from thousands of years ago? In my opinion we shouldn’t. Fuck um.”