NEW YORK, NY – Beyoncé has delighted her fans with a surprise release of a new 17-minute song called “Where the Hell Are My Damn Keys?”
The song which features Beyoncé mumbling to herself, occasionally shouting, “Where the hell are my damn keys” while a Kendrick Lamar song plays in the background.
“This is perhaps the greatest thing that has ever happened in the history of music,” said Beyoncé fan Cayde Carmahal. “First she drops ‘Lemonade’ and now this. Totally unexpected, yet totally awesome. I can’t wait to buy this track and listen to it over and over again. It’s so amazing… Especially the part where she calls out to Jay Z and asks him ‘You seen my keys?’ And Jay says ‘Bitch, I don’t know where your keys are.’ I hear that line was totally improvised.”
“Where the Hell Are My Damn Keys?” was released three days ago and has already been streamed online over two million times.
“If it keeps going like it has, this could be one of the biggest things to hit the music industry since Rebecca Black’s ‘Friday,’” said Robert Teston, Rolling Stones Editor in Chief. “When this thing goes on sale, it has the potential to be the highest grossing single of all times, barely passing Rebecca Black’s ‘Friday.’ Think about that for a minute. After this, no one in the entire world will remember who Rebecca Black is. That’s a world I don’t want to live in, even if ( Where the Hell Are My Damn Keys?) is tight AF. Did I use ‘AF’ right? It stands for ‘As Fuck,’ right? So I did use it right? Good.”
The response from Beyoncé’s fans was overwhelmingly positive on social media and music blogs.
“OMG Bs new song b tite!!” tweeted Skizgurl7632.
Pitchfork gave the song a near perfect review of 9.9 calling the track “the displacement of guilt driven transcendence and causality mimicking bold strokes of other large words that will make me sound smart and important and not a total let down to my parents.”
“This song is this generations ‘American Pie,” said Stereogum reviewer Amanda Stemwick. “I’m not talking about the movie, either, even though the movie was really good in its own right. No, I’m talking about the song. A song that everyone remembers where they were the first time they heard it. Me? I was three fingers deep in Polly Aikins in my senior year. That was my first time for a lot of things, come to think about it. Anyway, Beyonce’s new song is that caliber of a song.”
Despite the staggering numbers of streams and positive reviews from critics, some reviewers are quick to point out the song’s flaws.
“Why the hell don’t people realize that this song is total bullshit?” said Spin Magazine’s Oswald DeMichele. “It’s literally just Beyoncé looking for her keys. Like for real. I think she accidentally left her phone recorder on and went looking for her keys. That’s it. Then, knowing how rabid her fan base is, she figured ‘What the hell?’ and released it. Now her idiot fans think it’s the greatest song ever made.”