NSA to Offer Aura Scans, Readings at Nation’s Airports

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Beginning this month the NSA will offer aura scans and readings for airport visitors.
Beginning this month the NSA will offer aura scans and readings for airport visitors.
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WASHINGTON, DC – Airline passengers traveling this holiday season will soon get a little extra from their trip through security as the National Security Agency will soon be offering aura scans.

“This is just a way to make the crazy, busy holiday traveling season a little better,” said Duncan Deacon, head of the FSA. “Maybe we can find some people with some really unbalanced auras and let them know they are unbalanced so they can get balanced and have a nice holiday. Instead of being an insufferable asshole like every year. Gary. I’m talking about you Gary! Get your fucking aura straightened out Gary!”

According to a quick internet search, aura scans may measure an individual’s energy or maybe their radiation and might be interpreted to provide insight in to an individual’s mental and physical health.

“Aura scans are popular with older, white people who have ponytails and wear Native American jewelry. You know, hippies but not really hippies. Think Sedona (AZ),” said aura expert Don Sipple. “These people think that you can tell a lot of things about a person by looking at their aura, but really, it’s all bullshit. I mean I’m an expert and I think it’s a crock of shit. Hey, you don’t have to believe in something to exploit pure out of money.”

The NSA will be using existing metal detectors to perform the aura scan and aura experts will be on hand to discuss the results with interested passengers. The aura scan is the idea of Wanda Backes, NSA Chief Outreach Director.

“We realize that going through security is not the most rewarding experience but maybe, if we can offer some personal insight and create an environment of joy and harmony and help people understand their selves, their inner selves, I think it will make us strong as parts and as a whole,” said Backes. “Also, we might be able to identify people with really negative energy and you know, make them late for their plane. If you know what I mean. I mean we can detain them and use their negative looking aura to send them to Gitmo. Of course we would never do that… I’m just talking out loud here.”

The aura scans were tested earlier this year in Santa Fe, NM and proved to be very popular.

“In Santa Fe we actually had people, a lot of people, coming to the airport just to get the aura scan,” said Santa Fe Airport Operations Manager, Gabriel Sanchez. “Whatever they are into, I don’t care. Those aura people don’t cause no trouble so let them get their kicks.”

The plan to provide aura scans does have a fair share of detractors as several Republican congressmen have said the scans are a “waste of time and money.”

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