WASHINGTON, DC – American families have unanimously agreed to ignore the last couple months and just enjoy a quiet thanksgiving dinner.
“Things have been just… fucking crazy this last year with the, you know what? I’m not even gonna say it. I’m just gonna pretend none of that shit happened and I’m just going to hang out with my family and ignore the last couple months,” said college student Regina Zatkoff. “The thing is, it’s been this way for just about everyone. Shit has been batshit crazy. I think that we would all do well to just forget it, drink some wine and eat some fucking turkey,”
The last several months have put a strain on family relationships nationwide as existing differences were widened as a result of the recent events.
“The last several months have been hard on everyone,” said Sally Whithall, mother of five. “With all the lies, deaths, dirty stuff and all that other stuff. God, I don’t even want to think about it. Like I said, my plan is to make a turkey. Eat it. Buy some wine. Drink every last drop of it. Heck, maybe I’ll even watch some football, and I hate football. But at least it’ll get my mind off of the other stuff.”
According to one Albany, NY, mother, the polarization of views within American families is not the only reason for ignoring the events of the last couple months. Families that share the same views are sticking with the pledge as well to make for a happier Thanksgiving.
“Things have just been so negative lately, and I’m not just talking about the election,” said June Davitz. “So many people have died this year, it’s really depressing. It makes a person just want crack open a bottle of wine, or twelve, and drink till I don’t care who won the election. Really, I would have probably done that anyway, but now I have a more specific reason.”
The pledge to ignore the last couple months was started by mothers across the country who just wanted to have a nice Thanksgiving with the entire family and one without arguments stemming from the events of the last couple months.
“I don’t want to hear the drama,” Davitz said. “I feel like we’re all doing that way too much. But if there’s one thing that can stop all that, it’s an amazing about of food and an even more amazing amount of alcohol. Let me tell you, I’m going to be drunk the entire day.”
While most Americans readily agreed to ignore the last couple months, many are concerned that their racist uncles will not be able to stick with the agreement.
“Everyone has a racist uncle that will probably have too many beers, like always and start in on some shit no one wants to hear about. My mom said uncle Randy will be there and, so you know, if you know who loses, he’ll most likely be on point,” Zatkoff said. “Even if you know who wins, it’s going to be pretty bad. Maybe I should just try to get him to talk about Tom Brady.”