MOSCOW, RUSSIA – Russian President Vladimir Putin says he is excited but still waiting until Christmas Day before opening his gift from United States President Elect Donald Trump.
“This gift, given to me by one of my dearest comrades, Donald Trump, is sure to be a very good gift but I will wait until the day of Christmas before I unwrap it,” said Putin. “I do not know what it is and I am sure I will be very surprised.”
Although he says he is “extremely curious and excited” Putin has promised to wait until Christmas, promising Trump that he won’t even peak under the wrapping paper.
“Waiting to open such a gift is a very hard thing to do. Almost as hard as chasing a bear down in the forest, capturing and killing it with one’s own hands, skinning it and wearing the bear fur as a trophy as one exists the forest – which I have done. I have done that. Two times I have done that. So waiting until Christmas to open my Amer… gift, will be a very easy piece of the cock, as they say in America.”
The wrapped gift, delivered to Putin’s home in Moscow on November 9th, is shaped like the United States of America but Putin maintains that he does not know what the gift is.
“(The gift) could be anything. There are many things that it could be and I do not know what it is,” said Putin. “I am a very intelligent man and I could identify what the gift is very easily, if I tried, but in the spirit of the Christmas day, I will not use my intelligence for such things.”
Putin said he has placed the gift under his Christmas tree at his home.
“The gift is very big but I have a very big Christmas Tree” said Putin. “In fact, it had better be the biggest tree in all of Russia or the person that gave me this tree to disappear. But the size of my tree does not matter. The gift is under my tree and I am trying to keep the dogs away from peeing on it. One dog, Anastasia, got very close to peeing on the gift but that dog has been poisoned and is now dead. It should be a lesson to the other dogs.”
Trump has provided no hints to the gift saying only that “it’s something Russia has wanted for a really long time and something that I have no real use for.”
“I know Putin very well and I know he’s had his eye on this particular thing for a long time,” said Trump. “It just so happens that I’m in a position now to give it to him so I did. After everything he’s done for me it was the least I could do. The least. It’s also the best present that anyone has ever received so there is that too.”
While Putin is waiting to open Trump’s present, Putin said that his gift to Trump was delivered and opened on November 8th.
“I got Trump a lot of little things that all added up to one very big thing,” said Putin. “(Trump) owes me much now but I am confident that the present he gave me, the one under my tree that is shaped like the United States, is what I asked for. If not, who knows, maybe there will be some more poisonings. It is hard to say.”