SALT LAKE CITY, UT – Although several weeks have passed since the office holiday party, office administrator Carrie Hoplight, refuses to forgive coworker Jenny Matthews for stealing the gift she wanted.
“(Matthews) knew I wanted that gift and she… she… she just took it. She took it and I wanted it!” said Hoplight. “I will never forgive her. Ever. God damn Jenny. That gift stealing bitch.”
The gift, a bottle of wine and a gift certificate for a free cheese plate at a local winery, was stolen by Matthews and due to the rules established at the beginning of the party, was unable to be stolen back.
“All the other presents at the gift exchange were crap – just a bunch of stuff people picked up on the way to the party because they forgot there was a party – but that bottle of wine looked really good and I like cheese plates,” said Hoplight. “I stole it from Kathy in Finance but then Jenny stole it from me. Jenny stole it and she knew I wanted it. I bet she stole it just because I wanted it. I bet she doesn’t even drink. God damn I hate Jenny.”
Hoplight said she expressed, out loud, during the gift exchange how much she wanted the wine and gift certificate but the gift was still stolen by Matthews.
“I thought people might want to steal it so I said out loud, several times, that the wine was the only gift I wanted out of the rest of that garbage. I said it roughly every five minutes” said Hoplight. “Everyone else got the hint except Jenny. God damn Jenny.”
Matthews said she thought Hoplight wanted the wine and gift certificate but realized that she didn’t actually care.
“I thought about letting (Hoplight) keep the wine but, it was, like literally the only thing worth a shit in the whole party,” said Matthews. “What was I supposed to take instead? The cat calendar? The candle? The other candle? Screw that. I know (Hoplight) got mad but I don’t care. Also, I am kind of an alcoholic so the wine worked really good for me for a little while.”
Hoplight ended the party with a scented candle.
“I already have three peppermint candy candles. The last thing I need is another one but because of that bitch Jenny, I have another one,” said Hoplight. “I guess I will just have to go buy my own bottle of wine and cheese plate. God damn Jenny. I’ll never forgive her.”
Organizers of the gift exchange apologized to Hoplight but insisted the rules are set.
“Every year someone ends up with something they don’t want and you know what? That’s life,” said Wayne Dristle, Human Resource manager. “But we don’t care. Most people at least have a little bit of fun so that’s what we are gonna keep doing.”