BOSTON,MA – The scientists behind the computer simulation we know as reality have decided to end the simulation after a series of recent events wielded “bizarre results.”
“This current simulation, basically what you know as your ‘reality,’ has just gone off the rails,” said lead Simulation Programmer, Trent Stein. “(The simulation) got a little dicey in what you would refer to as the 2000s but things straightened out. Now, where this simulation is now, wow. Just… wow. This simulation has just produced some honestly stupid results. So instead of watching (the simulation) just fall apart or spin out of control we are going to scrap the whole damn thing. I know that sucks for you but… it’s really for the best.”
The scientists began the simulation 23 days ago in an attempt to see what would happen in a society if you lowered the IQ of a third of the population by 50 points.
“I know for you it seems like a lot longer but we’ve only been running this current simulation for 20 some odd days,” said Research Analyst, Steph Gerpt. “The point of the simulation was to see how societies would react given a lower than average intelligence. So we took our average intelligence score and lowered a third of the simulated population’s IQ by 50 and ran the simulation. That’s you. You are 50 points lower than the average person in this real reality. Sorry but that’s how these things go. We’ve got a ton of data out of you and this simulation, mostly ‘worst case scenario’ type stuff, but data nonetheless.”
According to one of the lead scientists, the results of lowering the IQ were far greater than the research team had initially expected.
“Obviously we thought there would be some interesting outcomes, otherwise we wouldn’t have run this simulation, but holy shit. Trump? The climate? Lacrosse? Scientology? Those Transformer movies? Wow,” said Sociology Research Scientist, Dean Matthews. “I’m honestly amazed, given the parameters we’ve set and some of these results, that you all didn’t start a nuclear war already. I’m sure that’s coming but we don’t need to see any results of that so we are just going to stop the simulation now. I guess we are doing you a favor. Obviously you don’t exist and you won’t even exist as a simulation in a day or so but… at least you won’t have to see the simulated nuclear war.”
Stein said the most surprising result of the simulation is the general resistance of the population to use critical thinking.
“Most of the sims – sorry, the people in the simulation – don’t use any critical thinking skills at all,” said Stein. “We thought you sims would but it turns out that if you dial down the IQ people just sit there and accept anything and everything someone says to them as true. It’s weird. Most of you could look up at the sky, see that it’s blue, have someone tell you that it’s green and you would just believe that it’s green even though you can look up and see that it’s blue. Dumb. But I guess you don’t have to worry about it anymore. Since, you know, we are turning you off.”
A number of republican senators within this simulation have stated that they reject the idea that our current reality is a simulation.
“This talk that we are all a simulation is nonsense,” said Chris Christy, R- NJ. “There is no proof. Sure people running the simulation announced that it would be ending and we all heard that announcement at the same time in our brain but there is no proof. The simulation stuff is all just more liberal lies or stuff made up by the Chinese. Like climate change. If this were a simulation do you think that we would have Doritos? No. Computers can’t come up with something that delicious. So this is definitely the real world.”
President elect Trump has also indicated that he doesn’t believe that reality is a simulation stating in a tweet “Simulation? I no simulaton! I smart! S.M.R.T! smart! I smartest. Everone says so.”
The simulation is scheduled to end this evening.
“If you have something you want to do before we end your simulation you should probably do it. But knowing you guys like we know you guys, you’ll probably do something stupid,” said Matthews.